I often want to start any writing piece with: 'I woke up, thinking.' Really, most of the time, thoughts don't happen to me like that. More often they randomly appear during the day, like with most of us, or especially, when taking a shit. There's no poetic way of describing the act of using your body's sewer though, so I usually refrain from going there word-wise.
I've found, that the most interesting way of catching your mind, is by actually allowing it to talk, without a cage. No preparation, throw away contemplation (don't worry, this is not turning into a rhyme), and just, write. Express, and make it flow.
Boarding the chaos train of Now, and after a while reading all the mental vomit you wrote, is always a fun experience. I'm currently practising it, more and more every day.
I remember the times when I couldn't write my thoughts down. No single word on a paper or pixel on a screen. It's because I reviewed every thought thoroughly, and when you do that, self-hate and perfectionism is bound to try and shoot you down.
Writing for the sake of writing feels like freedom though. And sometimes, it doesn't feel like you.
One time, four years ago, I decided to quit photography for a while to just, write. I spent 9 hours a day writing, on average. Sometimes, during the weekends, I was able to write for 14 hours straight. While writing isn't anything I'm trying to pursue, those 5 months behind a screen constantly, were some of the most weird ones in my life.
I had a story in my mind. For two years. A story about a young girl who had to go into hiding in a flying castle in the sky. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this right now: I'm going with the flow, writing down whatever comes to my mind.
Back to my paper-daughter (really, she never made it to paper, she's still a digital figment of my imagination). Her name is Nova.
The definition of Nova, is: "A star that suddenly becomes thousand of times brighter and then gradually fades to its original intensity."
In Latin, Nova means new. I've always liked the name Nova. It sounds very feminine, and strong.
Nova, in the story, isn't very strong (in the beginning). She's your average teenager. Trying to figure out the world one crush at a time; trying to become a warrior and fight for her beliefs, but at the same time, very fragile and not able to control her emotions very well.
The moment I met Nova, wasn't when taking a dump. I actually met her while bathing inside my bathtub one day.
For years I thought about writing; never being able to finish more than just one page. That very night in the tub though, Nova just walked into my life.
I spent three hours in the bathtub that evening. From the moment Nova opened her eyes, so did mine. Her whole story, or at least the first 12 chapters I wrote two years later, just happened. Right in front of me.
After I left the warm water (in the meantime it turned cold), I thought about what just happened. I didn't feel like me anymore. I felt like someone forced a person, a story, inside my mind. Everything was so clear, so vibrant. It didn't feel like my mind invented Nova. It felt like someone handed me Nova.
Two years later, after a dark period and losing someone I once thought meant a lot to me, I decided to write Nova's story.
From the moment I started, until the very end, I went into complete hermit mode to get her blood and soul and everything about her on my fingers, and translate it into words.
When Nova's hair colour changed during the writing (she has some special talents yo), I changed mine. When she experienced a very traumatic death of someone she loved, I started to slowly make amends with the death of that friendship I experienced.
And then, one day, it was over. I wrote the first story of Nova. I wrote about how she found her way inside this new community; how she helped plants and vegetables grow with the power of thought. How she became a part of a new society, shunned by everyone below. I wrote about how she connected with people, that she made friends in strange worlds unlike ours but linked to ours, and eventually found the courage to try soul traveling. One of the most dangerous ways of transportation in Nova's world. Few try it; with good reason.
The story is called Soul Fracture. Given the title, you can probably guess what happens to her.
I left Nova, four years ago, lost in a different world; heartbroken and alone.
Not a very nice thing to do to your daughter. But life happened; and with life, comes change. Change I had to adapts to. Change I was trying to fight.
If there's anything I've learned these past few years, then it's that fighting change, will only leave you more confused and alone.
I'm feeling a strange pain inside me, for the fact that I abandoned a fictional character for so many years. You can put fictional characters on hold, but not real people. Real people will complain and fight and become emotional due to you abandoning them. And eventually, they will leave, if you leave them alone for long enough. They will find a way to adapt to change, and move on.
Nova never moved on. I left her be between two worlds. A horrible thing to do; and I'm finally starting to feel guilty about it.
It took me two years before I was able to write her story. I hope she will forgive me for four extra years or more, before I finish it.
I'm trying to come up with a nice conclusion for this brain-fart, but I have none.
All I can say is: don't abandon people. Fictional, or real. Because they will come back to haunt you one day.