Inside the System is a blog series about mental health, being hospitalised, and pretty much everything I've experienced these last few months. From naked patients crawling through the hallway, to having your medication dose raised 4 times in 6 weeks due to your ex boyfriend threatening you. From being publicly shamed online for speaking out and being called a liar, to what actually happened, and how and when I will press charges against my ex. So, a lot of mental vomit will be thrown on my blog upcoming weeks. The Inside The System series is part of Project Blue is a Wave.
The Inside the System blogs will be uploaded non-chronologically, but the actual time-line in which these events happened can be found at the bottom of this blog (and will be updated once new blogs follow).
In a nutshell
I've pressed charges against my former co-worker Alex M. (Exurb1a) in the Netherlands, for two accounts of sexual assault (one account happened while I was medicated and hospitalised due to what happened, and Alex M. took me outside the hospital), one account of physical assault, and blackmail, threats, stalking and harassment.
Alex M. and I worked together on a podcast (Half Drunk and Curious), and I was supposed to make a documentary about him as well, and there were plans for making a film together. We met through Youtube. He had 2500 subscribers when we met, and I had around 10.000 subscribers. I started helping him with his youtube channel, and while our work-relationship developed, we also developed an intimate committed relationship. We flew up and down to see each other, and work together. I met his parents and close relatives, and he met my son who has autism (just like me), and my family. It was a serious relationship. Around mid 2016, Alex started to gain much attention on youtube, and his channel (Exurb1a) 'blew up'. The more attention he received online, the more stressed he became about it, and the more abusive he started to behave towards me.
Assault, Rape, Threats, Blackmail
I was hospitalised after a series of events that happened between my ex-boyfriend and ex-coworker Exurb1a and I, after I spent a month randomly traveling through Europe due to being mentally and physically unwell. I was sexually and physically assaulted by Exurb1a the month before, in October 2016, while he was drunk. I will not call Exurb1a by his real name due to legal reasons, since he's an anonymous youtuber, and I don't want my own rapist to be able to sue me.
Speaking the truth is not slander and not punishable by law. Revealing his identity could be a punishable offence however, hence I am not calling him by his real name. Anything I'm sharing here, including evidence, I'm sharing as a fair comment on a public person (which is not punishable by law).
I was voluntarily hospitalised on a psychiatric ward for depression, on November 24 2016, a day after I had an ultrasound in the hospital and found out I had a miscarriage. I was hospitalised for 3 months, and then transferred to the hospital's hostel in the city: an in-between place before going home. While writing this (it's May 3 2017), I am still inside the hostel, and am still not home yet. I've been inside the system for almost 6 months now, working towards going home, to my son. My parents have been taking care of my autistic 7 year old son since November. He's doing very well. I still have full custody of my son, and see him a couple of times a week, and soon my son and I will be together again: currently I'm getting the house we will move in ready for us to live in, while getting treatment for depression. Currently due to a lot of medication and therapy, and establishing no-contact with my abuser, my depression is in remission. I'm doing much better. One of the reasons why I decided to slowly speak out, is so I could first recover. Especially because people started sending me hate, death-threats and told me to kill myself etc. I wanted to be mentally more stable before exposing Exurb1a completely, so I could protect myself better from negative backlash.
Back to being committed. While I was hospitalised and suicidal, Exurb1a harassed and bullied me for hours on Skype and phone, for days, causing me to call him out personally on Twitter, in the hope he'd stop if I publicly called him out. I told him I would speak out against him. He then threatened and blackmailed me to keep quiet after I tweeted about it, otherwise he'd release half-truths, lies and personal information about me. This caused me to take my tweets offline as he wanted to, and I disappeared offline for 6 weeks (Someone replying to my original tweet).
Eventually, as a result of me staying quiet, Exurb1a came over to visit me in December in the hospital, after first leaving me to rot in there for a month after he abused me, and I had a miscarriage.
While he came over, he subtly threatened me in my face even, when I told him couldn't be his friend anymore if I couldn't trust him. He first response was (no joke) "Did you know I once set fire to a woman's computer?" When I was horrified by this comment and repeated it back to him, he said he didn't say that. He said it was a man's computer instead. (As if this was a correct response to me saying I couldn't be his friend anymore?) A month later (I have this caught on audio, will be released soon), he denied the story completely, and said it had been just a rumour.
When Exurb1a visited in December, I was very confused and upset. He took me out of the hospital for a few hours to talk (I was voluntarily committed and allowed to leave the hospital as long as I was back at 8 in the evening), and had just received a higher dose of medication to deal with my anxiety, so I didn't feel well. Looking back, meeting him was extremely stupid, and I should have never allowed him to visit me or even come along with him. Why? Because what happened during one of the talks (we had three), is something he later used as blackmail against me as well. I have audio evidence of him using this against me which I will release soon.
I had a full-blown panic attack while we were sitting in his room to talk, in front of him. Hyperventilation, crying, shaking, the whole thing. He tried to calm me down, and during this moment, he held me. I calmed down eventually, and this horrible shitty moment when he held me close, then almost became an intimate moment. We didn't kiss or have sex; but our bodies were close, and intimacy almost happened. I just had a panic attack and was very confused about everything. Not much later, he used this moment against me in a phone call: he said I had been lying about the abuse and was just saying it to get at him. He said I tried to have sex with him when he came to visit, so the abuse before couldn't have happened. When this happened, I partially recorded the conversation with my Ipad. I knew he was recording the conversation due to the way he was asking questions, and that he was trying to make me angry and admit we almost got intimate recently, so people wouldn't believe me anymore about what I had said before. He avoided answering anything related to him, but tried to push me into talking about the event that happened on the night we almost got intimate.
When he came over, he also tried to bribe me with the podcast we started. He wanted to continue to work with me (so I would stay quiet). Around this time I finally started to realise how manipulative he was, and how sick the games he'd been playing with me actually were. I knew I had to break free from him in order to escape his blackmail and harassment, and had to prevent him from being able to blackmail me further. Therefore, I spoke out against him online again after going offline for those 6 weeks and after he visited, to break his power over me: so he couldn't continue to blackmail me anymore. The moment I did, he stayed completely silent online and even started censoring his own subReddit so people wouldn't find out about what he had done to me. As it turns out, his threats and blackmail from before were all bluff, and he has now decided to pretend nothing has happened. By doing so and staying silent online, he's trying to make me look like someone who's lying and screaming for attention, while I'm not speaking out for fun: I felt forced to speak out to protect myself from Exurb1a. Also, I'm speaking the truth.
Inside the System is where I will share real stories relating to all this, that aren't fiction. Because real stories and the truth can be quite complex, I decided writing about it would be the best way to tell what happened, and maybe by writing about it, I can prevent Exurb1a from harming someone else. By writing about it, I am also forcing Exurb1a in a way, to be a better person; because if anyone else after me comes out with something else against him, chances are people might finally believe what I'm saying, and won't accept his behaviour anymore.
If you know Exurb1a, you probably know he's a 'smart' man. If you know Exurb1a personally, you probably also know he can be quite charming. Being smart and charming doesn't equal being a good person though, as I found out myself. If you doubt me, please keep in mind, that smart and charming people can do clever things to manipulate people too, to hide their true intentions and the truth. Especially if they want to save their own arse and think their career is on the line. A fame-obsessed and money-hungry person like my ex, might go as far as harassing a hospitalised and suicidal patient to keep her quiet, after she miscarried his child, after he abused and blackmailed her. That's what happened in my case. To make it worse, Exurb1a even met my autistic son whom he knew I have to care for. However, he felt no shame in trying to de-stabilise me even further with fear and threats of character assassination, and play into my suicidality while I was hospitalised, just so he could save himself and hide from the truth.
The worst things Exurb1a has done or said to me I was not able to capture, so any evidence I'm presenting, is not the worst he's done to me. Keep that in mind.
If you are a family member or friend of Exurb1a, or other YouTuber, there's a chance that in my full statement, you might find yourself mentioned in this (I won't mention last names or show pictures).
Exurb1a regularly talked very bad about people, or admitted to me how he used people (especially women) to get things done. In my statement I'm including his manipulating and leeching lifestyle also with evidence, to back up my story as to why you should be careful around him, and why he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. I've decided to keep the first names private of people who are easily identifiable. For example, a woman Exurb1a regularly used (and still uses), who had an abortion at 12, and has a unique first name. Obviously due to this information being shared also by him in the evidence I'm going to show, I decided to keep her name private for example, because in case she reads it, she'll know it's about her anyway. For other people who might find out how Exurb1a talked about them and are angry or hurt; if you want to talk to me about it, feel free to reach out. A handful of people who know Exurb1a personally have been reaching out to me already. Unfortunately I can't share everything they told me because I promised I wouldn't, but they'd probably tell you that I'm willing to listen, and won't share anything publicly you share with me (unless you don't mind).
Blogs about events I've released & will be published in the future.
Chronological order of events 2017-2016:
2018, January 13: Asking for help. I named my rapist, now he's coming for me . My case explained
2017, November 27: Suicidal Mind Reassigned: Female with Autism, 27. Missed Signs & A late Diagnosis (Article and Blog. See second part concerning Exurb1a)
2017, July / November 2016: "My Friends are waiting to kill you.." - Exurb1a
2017, July: How my abuser (youtuber Exurb1a) helped me destroy my own reputation by using my dreams and mental state against me (Article and Blog)
2017, July: Is he armed? (scheduled)
2017, July: The knife (scheduled)
2017, July: Car Accident (scheduled)
2017, July: He stuck his dick in crazy (scheduled)
2017, July: Confronting your partner about alcohol abuse (Article and Blog, scheduled)
2017, July: Pressing Charges against Exurb1a part 6 (scheduled)
2017, July: Amsterdam, Paris and Basel (scheduled)
2017, July: Going Home (scheduled)
2017, June: Pressing Charges against Exurb1a part 5 (scheduled)
2017, May: Pressing Charges against Exurb1a part 4 (scheduled)
2017, May 28: Third Time's a Charm (Pressing charges against Exurb1a part 3)
2017, May 22: How to say No (Exurb1a)
2017, May 4: Shame (On You Exurb1a) (Article and Blog)
2017, April: The Lost Tower
2017, March 14: Trouble at the Hostel (scheduled)
2017, March: Kill Yourself (scheduled)
2017, March 13: Wake Up
2017, March: The Green Light
2017, February: Lawyers and legal matters (scheduled)
2017, February: She makes me crazy (scheduled)
2017, February 24: Shira and Mark / Including You
2017, January: Establishing No Contact (scheduled)
2017, January 16: So You Finally Did It
2017, January 16: It's Called Rape (Pressing charges against Exurb1a part 2)
2016, December: New Years Eve
2016, December: Christmas at the Hospital (scheduled)
2016, December: Goodbye (scheduled)
2016, December: It was insane (scheduled)
2016, December: Sexually assaulted by Exurb1a while hospitalised and on medication (Article and Blog)
2016, December: Exurb1a once set fire to a woman's computer (scheduled)
2016, December: We're here for you (scheduled)
2016, December: Exurb1a's here (scheduled)
2016, December: He's not coming (scheduled)
2016, December: Everything's changed (scheduled)
2016, December: Secret Twitter account (scheduled)
2016, December: Lies and threats (scheduled)
2016, December: I'll have to put out a statement (scheduled)
2016, December: Greg / Involuntarily Committed (scheduled)
2016, December: What Medication are you on? (scheduled)
2016, December: Nathan / Is he a marine?
2016, December: Melissa / Bugged phones and model scouts (scheduled)
2016, December: This is your plate of shit (scheduled)
2016, December: Follow me (scheduled
2016, December: Drugs (scheduled)
2016, November 24: Michael / Hypocrite
2016, November: The ultrasound (scheduled)
2016, November: Losing it (scheduled)
2016, November: Flowers
2016, November: The Lost Ipad (scheduled)
2016, November: Chris' Funeral (scheduled)
2016, November: Going to England (scheduled)
2016, November: I'll call your doctor (scheduled)
2016, November: It's Not The Wind
2016, November: Down Under in Bulgaria (scheduled)
2016, November 7 / July 2017: "My Friends are waiting to kill you.." - Exurb1a
2016, November 7: 04 regional Police Station, Sofia (pressing charges against Exurb1a part 1)
2016, November 7: I wish I never met you
2016, November: You're a child (scheduled)
2016, November: The Confrontation (scheduled)
2016, November: Next stop: Sofia (scheduled)
2016, November: How do you feel now? (scheduled)
2016, November: Alone (scheduled)
2016, November: Norwegian hospitality (scheduled)
2016, November: I'm on a boat (scheduled)
2016, November 2: A Tent in November
2016, November 1: Visitors and Strangers
2016, October 29/30: Run
2016, October: Did Exurb1a give me a disease? (scheduled)
2016, October: Accusations (scheduled)
2016, October: I can't do this anymore (scheduled)
2016, October 23: The Final Fuck You (See also: The Final Fuck You Explained)
2016, October: Everything is my fault (scheduled)
2016, October: Chris took his own life (scheduled)
2016, October: The night that changed everything (scheduled)