Inside the System is a blog series about mental health, being hospitalised, and pretty much everything I've experienced these last few months. From naked patients crawling through the hallway, to having your medication dose raised 4 times in 6 weeks due to your ex boyfriend threatening you. From being publicly shamed online for speaking out and being called a liar, to what actually happened, and how and when I will press charges against my ex. So, a lot of mental vomit will be thrown on my blog upcoming weeks. The Inside The System series is part of Project Blue is a Wave.
The Inside the System blogs will be uploaded non-chronologically, but the actual time-line in which these events happened can be found at the bottom of this blog (and will be updated once new blogs follow). I'm working on full, detailed statement (+20.000 words). Because I've been requested a couple of times to release a short one already, here it is.
In a nutshell
I was hospitalised after a series of events that happened between my ex-boyfriend and ex-coworker Exurb1a and I, after I spent a month randomly traveling through Europe due to being mentally and physically unwell. I was sexually and physically assaulted by Exurb1a the month before, in October 2016, while he was drunk. I will not call Exurb1a by his real name due to legal reasons, since he's an anonymous youtuber, and I don't want my own rapist to be able to sue me.
Speaking the truth is not slander and not punishable by law. Revealing his identity could be a punishable offence however, hence I am not calling him by his real name. Anything I'm sharing here, including evidence, I'm sharing as a fair comment on a public person (which is not punishable by law).
I was voluntarily hospitalised on a psychiatric ward for depression, on November 24 2016, a day after I had an ultrasound in the hospital and found out I had a miscarriage. I was hospitalised for 3 months, and then transferred to the hospital's hostel in the city: an in-between place before going home. While writing this (it's May 3 2017), I am still inside the hostel, and am still not home yet. I've been inside the system for almost 6 months now, working towards going home, to my son. My parents have been taking care of my autistic 7 year old son since November. He's doing very well. I still have full custody of my son, and see him a couple of times a week, and soon my son and I will be together again: currently I'm getting the house we will move in ready for us to live in, while getting treatment for depression. Currently due to a lot of medication and therapy, and establishing no-contact with my abuser, my depression is in remission. I'm doing much better. One of the reasons why I decided to slowly speak out, is so I could first recover. Especially because people started sending me hate, death-threats and told me to kill myself etc. I wanted to be mentally more stable before exposing Exurb1a completely, so I could protect myself better from negative backlash.
Back to being committed. While I was hospitalised and suicidal, Exurb1a harassed and bullied me for hours on Skype and phone, for days, causing me to call him out personally on Twitter, in the hope he'd stop if I publicly called him out. I told him I would speak out against him. He then threatened and blackmailed me to keep quiet after I tweeted about it, otherwise he'd release half-truths, lies and personal information about me. This caused me to take my tweets offline as he wanted to, and I disappeared offline for 6 weeks (Someone replying to my original tweet).
Eventually, as a result of me staying quiet, Exurb1a came over to visit me in December in the hospital, after first leaving me to rot in there for a month after he abused me, and I had a miscarriage.
While he came over, he subtly threatened me in my face even, when I told him couldn't be his friend anymore if I couldn't trust him. He first response was (no joke) "Did you know I once set fire to a woman's computer?" When I was horrified by this comment and repeated it back to him, he said he didn't say that. He said it was a man's computer instead. (As if this was a correct response to me saying I couldn't be his friend anymore?) A month later (I have this caught on audio, will be released soon), he denied the story completely, and said it had been just a rumour.
When Exurb1a visited in December, I was very confused and upset. He took me out of the hospital for a few hours to talk (I was voluntarily committed and allowed to leave the hospital as long as I was back at 8 in the evening), and had just received a higher dose of medication to deal with my anxiety, so I didn't feel well. Looking back, meeting him was extremely stupid, and I should have never allowed him to visit me or even come along with him. Why? Because what happened during one of the talks (we had three), is something he later used as blackmail against me as well. I have audio evidence of him using this against me which I will release soon.
I had a full-blown panic attack while we were sitting in his room to talk, in front of him. Hyperventilation, crying, shaking, the whole thing. He tried to calm me down, and during this moment, he held me. I calmed down eventually, and this horrible shitty moment when he held me close, then almost became an intimate moment. We didn't kiss or have sex; but our bodies were close, and intimacy almost happened. I just had a panic attack and was very confused about everything. Not much later, he used this moment against me in a phone call: he said I had been lying about the abuse and was just saying it to get at him. He said I tried to have sex with him when he came to visit, so the abuse before couldn't have happened. When this happened, I partially recorded the conversation with my Ipad. I knew he was recording the conversation due to the way he was asking questions, and that he was trying to make me angry and admit we almost got intimate recently, so people wouldn't believe me anymore about what I had said before. He avoided answering anything related to him, but tried to push me into talking about the event that happened on the night we almost got intimate.
When he came over, he also tried to bribe me with the podcast we started. He wanted to continue to work with me (so I would stay quiet). Around this time I finally started to realise how manipulative he was, and how sick the games he'd been playing with me actually were. I knew I had to break free from him in order to escape his blackmail and harassment, and had to prevent him from being able to blackmail me further. Therefore, I spoke out against him online again after going offline for those 6 weeks and after he visited, to break his power over me: so he couldn't continue to blackmail me anymore. The moment I did, he stayed completely silent online and even started censoring his own subReddit so people wouldn't find out about what he had done to me. As it turns out, his threats and blackmail from before were all bluff, and he has now decided to pretend nothing has happened. By doing so and staying silent online, he's trying to make me look like someone who's lying and screaming for attention, while I'm not speaking out for fun: I felt forced to speak out to protect myself from Exurb1a. Also, I'm speaking the truth.
Inside the System is where I will share real stories relating to all this, that aren't fiction. Because real stories and the truth can be quite complex, I decided writing about it would be the best way to tell what happened, and maybe by writing about it, I can prevent Exurb1a from harming someone else. By writing about it, I am also forcing Exurb1a in a way, to be a better person; because if anyone else after me comes out with something else against him, chances are people might finally believe what I'm saying, and won't accept his behaviour anymore.
A full statement (which as of now is +20.000 words) is in the making also. In it I will release blurred video footage, audio footage and print screens to back up my story.
If you know Exurb1a, you probably know he's a 'smart' man. If you know Exurb1a personally, you probably also know he can be quite charming. Being smart and charming doesn't equal being a good person though, as I found out myself. If you doubt me, please keep in mind, that smart and charming people can do clever things to manipulate people too, to hide their true intentions and the truth. Especially if they want to save their own arse and think their career is on the line. A fame-obsessed and money-hungry person like my ex, might go as far as harassing a hospitalised and suicidal patient to keep her quiet, after she miscarried his child, after he abused and blackmailed her. That's what happened in my case. To make it worse, Exurb1a even met my autistic son whom he knew I have to care for. However, he felt no shame in trying to de-stabilise me even further with fear and threats of character assassination, and play into my suicidality while I was hospitalised, just so he could save himself and hide from the truth.
The worst things Exurb1a has done or said to me I was not able to capture, so any evidence I'm presenting, is not the worst he's done to me. Keep that in mind.
If you are a family member or friend of Exurb1a, or other YouTuber, there's a chance that in my full statement, you might find yourself mentioned in this (I won't mention last names or show pictures).
Exurb1a regularly talked very bad about people, or admitted to me how he used people (especially women) to get things done. In my statement I'm including his manipulating and leeching lifestyle also with evidence, to back up my story as to why you should be careful around him, and why he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. I've decided to keep the first names private of people who are easily identifiable. For example, a woman Exurb1a regularly used (and still uses), who had an abortion at 12, and has a unique first name. Obviously due to this information being shared also by him in the evidence I'm going to show, I decided to keep her name private for example, because in case she reads it, she'll know it's about her anyway. For other people who might find out how Exurb1a talked about them and are angry or hurt; if you want to talk to me about it, feel free to reach out. A handful of people who know Exurb1a personally have been reaching out to me already. Unfortunately I can't share everything they told me because I promised I wouldn't, but they'd probably tell you that I'm willing to listen, and won't share anything publicly you share with me (unless you don't mind).
Chronological order of events 2017-2016:
2017, May 28: Third Time's a Charm
2017, May 22: How to say No (Exurb1a)
2017, May 4: Shame (On You Exurb1a)
2017, April: The Lost Tower
2017, March 13: Wake Up
2017, March: The Green Light
2017, February 24: Including You
2017, January 16: So You Finally Did It
2017, January 16: It's Called Rape
2016, November 2: A Tent in November
2016, November 1: Visitors and Strangers
2016, October 29/30: Run