How my abuser (youtuber Exurb1a) helped me destroy my own reputation by using my dreams and mental state against me

This is a scheduled post. 

- TRIGGER WARNING -
This article contains a memoir about depression, being hospitalised, sexual assault and violence, and blackmail and harassment, which may be triggering to read for survivors or people with mental health issues. This article does contain advice too however, about character assassination, pressing charges, online harassment, and how to protect yourself or someone you love from it, and how to get help. This article is written with an educational purpose to warn people.
- DISCLAIMER - 
I'm sharing these stories and files because they involve a public person who's not convicted (yet) for assaulting and raping me, and is still out there, and is able to potentially hurt other people. I'm pleading fair comment on a public person in this article, so I'm able to share these stories and possible files, videos and/or other evidence to support my story and through it warn others. A Fair comment is a legal term for common law defense in defamation. It gives a person the possibility to criticize and comment on matters of public interest without being liable for defamation provided that the comment is an honest expression of opinion (about facts or events). It is referred to as honest comment in some countries, and it used to give people the possibility to legally share information about a public person. The idea behind a fair comment is that it's not slander when you're telling the truth about a public person, and thus, can warn others about them.  If you would like to see evidence that the Skype conversations shown throughout and at the end of this article are from Exurb1a, you can see video evidence in the middle of this article.

When someone you love gets hurt or sick, you nurse them back to health. That's what good people do. That's what normal people do. We keep our loved ones safe, and keep them from harm when they're in a fragile state.

However, some people, don't know how to love. And others, are bad at recognising what is and isn't love.

When the psychologist specialised in autism diagnosed me as autistic at 27, while I was hospitalised for depression and acute stress disorder, I was quite confused about the diagnosis. Why? Because I always saw 'autism' quite differently, and didn't suspect I'd fit the label. The psychologist explained to me that autism in women, specifically Asperger's (they now call everything autism spectrum disorder though), often goes undiagnosed for a long time, because autism in women apparently shows in a different way, and people miss it, because they look for 'male autism characteristics'. You see, most of the information on autism, is based on research on men with autism. I thought I knew all about autism, because I have a 7-year-old son who's autistic (classic autism with language and speech delay). The difficulties my son faces due to his autism are much different from any difficulties I ever experienced in life. Learning to speak was quite easy for me (maybe too easy, I was able to sing 50 different songs by the time I was 3), and concentration and remembering information never seemed an issue. Social wise, I had friends, and was able to maintain friendships. I didn't seem to have any problems with identifying emotions: I could tell when my friends felt down, and when they needed a hug or talk.

I was told that I had adjusted quite well from an early age on, which is why many difficulties I faced were never connected to autism before. My psychologist explained in what way the brain-development disorder (autism) had been affecting me and why I was diagnosed as autistic now. I required good reasons from him before I was willing to accept the diagnosis. Accepting the diagnosis, meant accepting that my son's autism was probably a genetic cause (even though genetic research done before didn't point to that). It meant that I had to accept that the chances of me having another child with autism (if I ever decided to have more children), were even higher. Considering I always enjoyed the idea of maybe having more children some day (with the right partner), this was incredibly important for me to know: if I was or wasn't autistic. Obviously I didn't want the label, because getting it, would mean it would influence a very important decision for me: having more children or not, at some point in the future.
My son needs constant care around the clock due to his autism and communication difficulties. He's not able to speak in sentences: only in words. Mostly one-worded sentences. If I'm lucky, I hear a two-worded sentence a couple of times a week. Due to this, being at higher risk of having another child with autism, would probably mean I'd opt to not get pregnant again at some point. I have one child already with learning difficulties, and he needs all my love and time. Having another child that could be disabled too, would make life incredibly difficult, for both my son, and a potential daughter/son. So I wasn't rooting for the autism diagnosis at all. In fact, it made me incredibly sad, and made me feel guilty towards my son also, since all his problems and difficulties, would be my fault.

So my psychologist explained why he diagnosed me. He pointed out I was hyper-focused in changes in my environment; especially emotions in people, and put a lot of effort and time in understanding them. He said I had a strong sense of right and wrong, and didn't adjust or change my morals, or kept quiet about them for my own protection, even if it harmed me. He mentioned the strange hobbies I had (making glow food for example), and how I obsessed over them. He pointed out the repetitive behaviour I showed which I missed as a sign of being autistic. For example, I'm not 'able' to work without headphones on, while having my latest-work-song on repeat for hours, for days in a row, blasting through my headphones. I always carry certain items with me (hand-cream for example), and get stressed when I don't have them with me. I stim when I'm anxious or excited and remove myself from situations by turning my headphones on. I crack my bones compulsively throughout the day. More important though, according to my psychologist, I was bad at setting or expressing boundaries in relationships. He explained I was too honest with people, which gave others tools to harm me. My brutal honesty to questions made me vulnerable; a target. A target people could use and abuse. A target people could exploit. I always thought my brutal honesty was culturally related to me being Dutch, but my psychologist disagreed and pointed out life-situation in which it harmed me. He said because I expected others I trusted to be truthful, and not lie to me, people were able to (ab)use me. Apparently I have a problem with identifying manipulative and abusive behaviour in people I care for, and am not great at protecting myself from it.

I've been learning ever since.

The letter my psychiatrist wrote for the police. It says when and where I was hospitalised; that I first was hospitalised at the hospital, and then at the hospital's hostel. It mentions why I was voluntarily committed, which diagnoses they gave me, and which medication they started while I was receiving treatment and diagnosis inside the hospital. It mentions the Quetiapine I was prescribed, which is also known as Seroquel, which is an anti-psychotic, but it's not just given to people who suffer from psychosis. It's sometimes prescribed to people for other reasons, such as sleeping problems and anxiety, which happened in my case. Stemmingsstabiliserend means mood stabilizing, ter verbetering van slaappatroon means to improve sleep patterns. When Exurb1a heard I was on Quetiapine (I told him while I was high on prescribed medication inside the hospital), he started accusing me of being psychotic, and he threatened to reveal I was on it, publicly, in case I kept speaking out.
The paper also mentions which diagnoses I was given while committed (autism, major depressive disorder and acute stress disorder).

It's strange to look back at things that happened while you were mentally unwell, after receiving new information about yourself, and learning about your inability to identify certain dangers. To suddenly see the things you couldn't see before; abusive or manipulative behaviour from others, while your friends and family were able to see it, and tried to warn you about it. I can't say it's been a fun journey; suddenly being able to see through the patterns of abuse and manipulation that happened, after it happened, because professionals educated you about it. It's incredibly terrifying, to find out someone who said they loved you (even while you were hospitalised and you told them you didn't love them anymore), actively tried to destroy you in different ways, while you were unwell. And you, you weren't able to see it. 

I've had nurses, a psychologist and psychiatrist, coach me while I was hospitalised, in setting boundaries. As you could hear in one of the videos I shared where Exurb1a harassed me while I was hospitalised; a nurse actively intervened and helped me to set boundaries when I wasn't able to.

I now have a social worker whom I see who reviews social situations with me, and helps me identify people's intentions better. My psychiatrists still describes medication for anxiety, depression, flash-backs, focus- and sleeping problems. My psychologist's next move: EMDR trauma therapy. Almost a year has passed since the assault and the horrible period of threats and blackmail after it, but for me, it still feels like yesterday.

And Exurb1a, my abuser, acts like nothing happened. In fact, he actively spread lies about me to his friends; that I was insane and lying about what happened. There will be a post with evidence about this later.

First, something else that happened, that might come as a surprise to you if you've been reading about what has happened between my ex-coworker youtuber Exurb1a and I, especially if you've seen the videos I shared while I was depressed and hospitalised. In one of my last blog posts I said I would share more about what happened, in scheduled blog posts. So here's the first.

Maybe by sharing this, it will help you understand more what was really going on. If you or someone you know is going through something similar, I hope the points of advice in this article, might help you (or them). I figured I might as well share what I've learned through all this. I hope it will be of some use.

Maybe reading this next bit, will make you realise, how important it was for Exurb1a, that people indeed thought I was insane. Maybe you'll see (like I do now, but didn't back then), that he actually actively tried to influence my online behaviour while I was sick, to make me look as unstable as possible, so people wouldn't believe me: that Exurb1a assaulted and raped me while drunk, and then threatened me after, so I would stay quiet about it.

Sad fact? Exurb1a actually was actually the only person who ever considered I was autistic, before I was hospitalised. He told me months before he assaulted me, that he thought I was probably on the spectrum. He communicated to me he thought I had a disability, but that didn't stop him from doing everything he did to me later though.  

Exurb1a wanted to paint me as a psychotic liar, by doing nothing, except for threatening, scaring and manipulating me, and influence others to attack me.

The best way of character assassination? Have your own victim ruin her reputation, by encouraging her to share what is happening with her, publicly. And that's what Exurb1a did.

You see, while I was hospitalised, I was painting the ridiculousness of the situation in a conversation with him, by saying I could turn it into a documentary. At that time, I hadn't established no contact yet. It was rather a dark throw-away joke, but Exurb1a instantly jumped on it, and said that that was a good idea. He actually said, I should turn my experience into a documentary. It would be beneficial for people, according to him. He said this before I broke contact with him completely. 

He mentioned it in a Skype chat while I was hospitalised, after which I sarcastically replied he could be the hero in the story. As you can see in the conversations below, we weren't very pleasant with each other. Mind you: I was high on new medication during these conversations (I was hospitalised on the 24th of November after I had a miscarriage). I'm not particularly proud of the way I'm speaking in it.

exurb1a documentary 01.jpg
The druggie-video reference is about the videos diaries I made while on prescribed medication inside the hospital. I regularly made video diaries around this time for myself, to keep track of the days and what was happening, because it was easier than writing it down.

The druggie-video reference is about the videos diaries I made while on prescribed medication inside the hospital. I regularly made video diaries around this time for myself, to keep track of the days and what was happening, because it was easier than writing it down.

To prove the Skype chats shared in this article (there are more at the bottom) are between Exurb1a and I, here is a video which shows this is his Skype account (notice the icon):  

Later, on Skype audio, Exurb1a talked about what a "great idea it would be to make a documentary inside", and that "people would find it very interesting to see someone go through it" (being hospitalised for depression at a psychiatric ward). Just the experience inside there, not, that Exurb1a was the cause that brought me there. It was especially interesting according to him since my doctors were considering I might have autism, and they were trying to diagnose me (it took 3 months of observation and meetings with a specialist before they diagnosed me).

Exurb1a quite pushed the idea of me making a documentary, and tried to talk to me about it (and by that tried to avoid the topic about what happened between us). He tried to put focus on my filmmaking dreams. Becoming a film director is my dream job. Exurb1a knew this. It's why I originally met Exurb1a, because next to the podcast, we wanted to make a film together, and I was supposed to make a documentary about him. It's the whole reason why we met in the first place.  

Through playing on my film-making dreams, Exurb1a tried to distract me from what he had done, and instead, tried to make me see an opportunity in where I was now. A horrible situation; but maybe by filming my experiences with other patients, I could direct a documentary, and help others (according to him).

Looking back, I can't forgive Exurb1a for putting that idea in my mind, while he knew I was not well. He knew I was in a state of crisis; impulsive, suicidal and confused. He planted a seed consciously. He told another youtuber, who was depressed and suicidal, and diagnosed with an acute stress disorder (which later developed into PTSD), that she should document her hospitalisation, and share it. Publicly. With the world. He encouraged me to help other people by sharing my story; he knew that I'd be more interested in doing something like that, if I could help people. When he needed help with youtube, I was always there for him. He used my sense of right and wrong and joy in helping people and understanding things against me. Exurb1a knew I was keen on understanding systems and people. He told me I was in a great situation when it came to documenting mental health, since I was hospitalised, and could show what it was like on the inside. What was happening. To me, and to the patients around me.  

Which I started to do, because I was incredibly naive, sick (depressed), confused and stupid, and because he still influenced me. Only did I not just started to document what was happening inside the hospital alone. I also started sharing what Exurb1a had done to me, and publicly replied to the hate and accusations people threw my way. He didn't like that.

Immediately when I started to share short videos about it, people started to attack me even more. Viciously. I became a 'crazy' girl. People started to call me psychotic. It was a strange jump people made online, from depressed to psychotic, while there had been no evidence of me being psychotic at all. I personally suspect Exurb1a started to spread this rumour with his anonymous alternative accounts, and from there, people picked it up. It was the best defence for Exurb1a in this situation: I did nothing, she's just crazy. And he didn't even have to say it publicly: he just influenced me enough so I would look like it, then had his friends attack me and call me a liar, and his fans finish the job. All the threats he made about telling lies himself, he never had to put into action due to is. Other people were protecting him instead. Just like how I protected him before publicly (when people called him a misogynist), when I still trusted him.

The result of this game for me was name-calling, death threats and messages from strangers in which people told me to kill myself. It's been going on for months.

I looked back on these videos I shared, in July, after I was released from the hospital after 8 months. I hadn't looked at the videos for months; the video documentaries I shared online. I can't express how ashamed I was when I saw them, because the videos showed me in an incredibly vulnerable state. Suddenly I saw how they came across, because I was mentally more stable in July, than I was before. But I didn't see what others saw and warned me about, back then.

And my rapist encouraged me to show these sides of me, publicly. He used my own sick and confused mental state (impulsiveness and irrational behaviour are signs of acute stress disorder) and my dreams (making a documentary) against me, so I would harm myself. My own reputation. He even used my heart for the mental health community against me. Autism awareness, suicide prevention and mental health care awareness were two topics I often spoke about publicly and wrote about, since I have a couple of friends with mental health issues (my friend Chris committed suicide a month before I was hospitalised) and a son who's autistic. And Exurb1a told me, by sharing my story and the stories of the people around me, I could be of help. I was suicidal and depressed, and didn't have much to hold on anymore. So the thought of being able to do something useful due to the situation I was in, was appealing.
 
I wish I had listened to my parents around that time. They tried to protect me from Exurb1a and his influence, and myself, but failed, because I was blind and didn't see what was happening. I made horrible decision after horrible decision because I thought it would protect and help me, or possibly help and protect others. For example, when people started to demand evidence Exurb1a abused me, I started sharing more, because I thought I was obliged to. Everything I shared, lead to more people not believing me, and attacking me, and calling me insane.

I let the wrong person influence me while I was not well, and pushed away the people I should have trusted instead. A liar and abuser, managed to mind-fuck me so hard, I became a weapon. A weapon, that could only hurt me.

So if there's anybody in a similar situation, I want to tell you, please, be very careful with sharing things publicly, when you are not well. Even when people tell you to do it. Even when the person you thought was your best friend, told you to do it. Wait until you are in a better mental state, before making any major decisions, that could affect your whole life. 

If someone is threatening, abusing or blackmailing you, document EVERYTHING, get legal advice, establish no-contact with your abuser as soon as you can, and get off the internet, until things have calmed down.

Don't allow your confused mental state caused by the trauma your abuser inflicted on you, to become the rope your abuser can strangle you with.  
 
Start talking to people around you about what's really happening, and get professional help. And really, start talking. Tell everything, even when it's hard. You see, even while I was hospitalised, I didn't share everything that happened immediately with my health care professionals, because I was confused and the abuse was actually still inflicted upon me while I was hospitalised. Due to this, it took a while before I received the right care and help and advice, and established no-contact with my abuser.

If someone you know is a victim of (sexual) assault and/or bullying, and is in an abusive situation which is escalating online publicly, I recommend TO DO the following (written in NO PARTICULAR order):


1. Make sure the victim establishes no-contact with the offender(s). 


2. Get the victim to go offline for the time being.

Tell them to not post anything online anywhere, or check anything online. Include chatting apps like Whatsapp and Messenger if necessary.  

3. Get help from 2 or 3 other people you trust, to help document what is happening online for the victim, as evidence for the police.

Take printscreens, videos, and save links and names of people that are harassing the victim, or are spreading lies about them. Make sure you can see date- and timestamps (hover over your computer clock to make the date and time pop-up if there are none on a page). If the victim doesn't need to collect all the evidence, it will take away a lot of pressure from them, and it will protect them from reading horrible stories about themselves that aren't true. If they can't read them, they won't be triggered to defend themselves publicly (which can lead to more drama), and reply to hate, and have it rule their mind. Reading a bunch of lies about yourself while you're mentally unwell, can make your mental situation even worse, and can lead to depression for example, substance abuse, self-harm, or even suicide. The reason why I was hospitalised for so long (8 months total) was influenced by the hate I received online and the people who told me to kill myself and harassed me, which made me even more suicidal around that time (because I didn't protect myself from it). Because I kept responding to the messages and kept reading them, my mental situation initially got worse. When some of my friends started to document what was happening online for me (on Reddit and Twitter for example) so I didn't have to, a huge load fell off my shoulders.  

4. Ask the victim if they're comfortable giving you the passwords to their social media accounts if necessary, so you can review private messages received on there, before the victim sees them. 

I was attacked in private messages on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Instagram, Mail, Whatsapp, Reddit, and even received anonymous phone calls on my work-phone number after speaking out. There are so many ways to contact and harass people now; every new notification can become a danger-alarm for a victim, if they're harassed online. Sometimes you can help a victim to get through harassment, by filtering the hurtful messages for them. If the victim is a minor, I especially recommend to ask them if you can review their messages for them, alone, or with them. It might work better than banning the minor from using social media or the internet. This could make a victim feel like they did something wrong, and that malicious people win and rule the world, while really you're trying to protect them. If you review their messages together or for them, you also know what kind of hate they receive, and you can collect evidence for the police. 

5. Arrange a meeting with the victim's General practitioner and in case of sexual assault, make them get a rape-kit right away (take them to the ER in this case). Take pictures of possible bruises, etc.

A general practitioner is your train-station to more help. A GP can set up meetings with a social worker, mental health care professionals, and can have the victim hospitalised if necessary. The person you're helping might not be in a good state of mind to see things clearly and/or ask for help. They might even still be in touch with the abuser (sexual assault victims are often assaulted by someone they know) which can cause more distress. Experiencing traumatic events can make a victim do impulsive or irrational things that could ruin their life. The right help, medication and therapy, can help a victim to see things clearly again. There's no shame in asking for help outside your social circle. If you break a leg, or have a heart-disease, you go to a doctor too right? So if someone's brain is not functioning well (temporarily), you shouldn't feel uncomfortable to reach out to a doctor either. The brain is an organ, and it can get sick. Reach out for help when it does.

6. Arrange a meeting with the police for the victim and help them press charges.  

Help the victim arrange the evidence. Put it on a USB stick, and also in print, and support them through the process. Due to the time and effort it will take to press charges (especially if the police fails you initially, like they did in my case, twice), the whole process is very mentally draining for a victim. Try to be there for them, bring them to meetings, and help where you can, if they have the courage to press charges. Pressing charges can take months. For me it took visiting 3 different police-stations in two different countries (Bulgaria and The Netherlands), and 6 meetings with the police total, before charges were pressed. Total time that passed since the assault before charges were pressed: 9 months. My parents helped me through the process in the last three police appointments. Initially I was told by the Dutch police I couldn't press charges because most of the abuse happened in Bulgaria; a mistake the police made for which they apologised. My parents helped me research my rights, brought me to meetings, and were great with emotional support before, during and after each visit, which made the process of it more easier for me (which was still incredibly hard). Pressing charges can help convict an abuser or rapist, and protect other potential victims, so it's and incredibly important thing to do.

7. Many victims never press charges. If the victim doesn't want to press charges (right now), tell them they can always do it later (which they can for years in many countries). Try to encourage the victim instead to at least report the crime by filing a police report.  

In many countries, there's a difference between reporting a crime through a police report, and pressing charges against the offender. When you file a police report, a police officer will write down what happened, but the police will often not take action against the offender (there's no guarantee, but you can discuss this with the police), unlike when the victim presses charges.

After filing a police report, you can always press charges against the offender later. I didn't know this myself initially, so I thought it would be a very important thing to include and share in these points.

If you file a police-report about what happened immediately, you have evidence you did. If you wait with filing a police-report or pressing charges until much later, chances are your abuser will say you made it up (due to whatever reason they can come up with). This is what Exurb1a did in my case.

There are other reasons why you might want to file a police report before pressing charges. For example, if you're in a dangerous or unstable home-situation or if you are living with your abuser, and are too afraid to press charges against him or her right now, or don't want to, because they promised they would change. Many abusers never stop abusing, especially if they abuse alcohol or other substances (like Exurb1a did), so this is most likely an empty promise, but in case you really want to give your abuser another chance: file the police report anyway, so there's a legal paper that confirms you've filed a report, so your abuser can't say you made it up later. The police will most likely not take action and the abuser won't get a criminal record in most cases; unless you change your mind, and decide to press charges after all. 

8. Document public online behaviour of the abuser for the victim, if possible.  

Are they out partying the day after they abused the victim? Are they subtly threatening the victim publicly? Are they promoting dangerous behaviour like drug-abuse, publicly, or are they joking about killing or abusing people? Document it. In a potential lawsuit or court-case, the behaviour of the offender before, around and after the crime, can be used against him or her. This is why you should also make sure the victim doesn't share anything online: because the offender will probably use anything against the victim also, to make them look bad.

9. Do not inform the offender of the actions you or the victim have been taking against the offender.

Establish no-contact and do not respond to threats and/or blackmail. I made the mistake of warning Exurb1a about the evidence I collected against him when things got out of control, and told him how I had been protecting myself silently (for example, by making a secret Twitter account on which I tweeted what had been happening, with date- and timestamp). I did it in the hope he would back off, and turn himself in. Instead, he started to threaten me more and harass me while I was hospitalised. While he was actually blackmailing me, he told me for example he was going to make it public that I was the one blackmailing him, and that I was locked up in a psychiatric institution. Really I was voluntarily committed on an open psychiatric ward in a normal hospital. The ward I stayed at specifically, was for people with depression and anxiety. There was a separate ward (on a different floor even) for people with psychosis, which I never stayed at, and Exurb1a knew this, because he visited me inside the hospital. He knew I was hospitalised for depression and anxiety, not for psychosis, and that I was committed after he assaulted and raped me. However, he started accusing me of being psychotic and lying once I tried to break contact with him while hospitalised.  

10. Defend the victim publicly if you can and want to, and warn others about the abuser, if you can do so safely, and if it could possibly help the victim also. Report slander and lies about the victim on social media.

This is a very tricky suggestion, considering an offender can sue anyone who harmed their reputation publicly, if the police fails to convict the offender due to lack of evidence (even while they committed the crime). A rapist has rights. Even when a rapist raped 10 children for example. If the police can't convict the rapist for whatever reason, and is forced to clear the rapist's name, sharing online they are a rapist, could harm you if you do it. They can sue you and they could win if the police has been forced to clear their name. Even if you are just trying to protect other people. It's an incredibly sad fact.

After receiving legal advice, I was told to not mention my abuser's name anymore publicly, to protect myself from the possibility that he could sue me if he wouldn't get convicted. Because of Exurb1a's alcohol and drug-addiction (which Exurb1a doesn't hide and jokes about publicly on Twitter and in his videos), and because Exurb1a raped me while he was intoxicated, I decided to keep sharing his name publicly. Why?

A. Because I believe the chances of him making another victim while intoxicated, are incredibly high due to his addiction, and people should be warned about it.

B. Because Exurb1a told me before he often "deviously puts people in situations where they have to instead" (have sex with him), and he looks "innocent".

This was a conversation about the first time Exurb1a and I had sex. He repeated to me how he usually made people have sex with him by putting them deviously in "situations where they have to", so he looks innocent. Back then I didn't see it as a red flag: I thought he was being honest with me, and that it was a sign of trust in our developing relationship.


C. Because I'm not the first person who ever accused Exurb1a of sexual assault: Exurb1a told me personally he'd been accused of sexual assault before, while we were still together. (A blogpost about this will appear online soon)

D. Because Exurb1a is able to dip into a huge fanbase instantly, and a source told me he used his youtube channel before to "fix girls for sex". Next to that, Exurb1a told me he treated women horribly or not very respectful before, and while I was in Sofia, twice we walked into an 'ex fling' while walking through the city; two women who weren't happy to see him. Exurb1a actually tried to hide from them and avoid eye-contact, even though it was obvious both women despised him and weren't going to approach us.

E. Because Exurb1a wasn't convicted yet, and still out there, meaning he's a potential threat to both women and men (Exurb1a had no problem in the past with having sexual relationships with men. No jokeroo).

Exurb1a butt sex.jpg

To be clear: I have no problem with people having sexual relationships with people from the same gender. My comment about experimenting was referring solemnly to Exurb1a's experience and it was the only thing I was replying to; not homosexual relationships in general. I don't believe that people who identify as gay or bisexual are just 'experimenting, going through a phase, or mentally unstable', as some people/groups claim. Love is love!

F. Because Exurb1a had shown signs of sexual aggression to me before. The first time we had an argument, he screamed at me because I told him he was behaving like a "dick". It resulted in me crying and him being furious. In the end, there was make-up sex. It went like this: he put me on my knees, and tried to penetrate my asshole from behind suddenly, while we never had anal sex before and I never told him I was interested in him doing that to me. When it happened, I told him it was the wrong hole, after which he stopped and penis-in-vagina sex happened. At first, I saw it as an honest mistake and even joked about it with him. Looking back, it was a red flag, because who tries to anally penetrate their girlfriend after a huge fight, while she never said she wanted to have anal sex?

In this conversation I referred to what happened that night. I wrapped it in a joke. I shouldn't have. It was a first sign of Exurb1a's aggression.


So, I weighted my options, and protecting myself was the more selfish option considering all the above, so I opted to warn others about him instead. Even though he now can sue me, if the police fails to convict him.

Back to defending a victim publicly. If many people spread lies about the victim (like Exurb1a's fans did about me), the life of the victim can be ruined even more. So carefully weight your options. Be aware, by defending the victim publicly, you could encourage more hate to come their (and your) way. But, it could also help the victim, and by speaking out you could show you believe and support them, which means a lot to the victim and could lead to other people believing the victim also. Meaning, people will be more cautious around the offender. If the offender is a dangerous person not convicted yet (this often takes a while, if they get convicted at all), warning other people about them could prevent the offender from making more victims. Use the word 'allegedly' when you refer to the crimes of the abuser, to cover yourself, if you decide to speak out. 

11. Don't feel offended when a victim doesn't listen to your advice initially. A trauma can cause mental instability and irrational thoughts in a victim. Try to get them help regardless. 

It was incredibly hurtful for my mother for example, when I didn't listen to some of her advice at first. We've had quite a few conversations since all this happened, about it. She wanted to understand how it was possible Exurb1a was able to influence me for so long, and why I didn't listen to my parents' advice back then, which came across to her like I didn't trust my parents, which hurt her.

Looking back, some of the things I shared publicly, were so impulsive and irrational, I couldn't explain to her why I did it when I was out of the initial crisis, because I now see how it hurt me; sharing those things. I thought at the time I was warning people and defending myself, while really I was making the whole situation worse, and everybody was able to see it, except me.

When I started sharing the short documentaries online for example and my parents freaked out, I repeated exactly what Exurb1a told me about making a documentary, to them. I didn't tell the motivations came from him until months later. When I started sharing those videos, my parents contemplated to ask the hospital to take away my internet access by force. Because I was voluntarily committed, and internet access is basically a human right in my country these days (even people who were committed involuntarily in the hospital I was had access to it), they couldn't do anything. Next to that, I was terrified that if internet was taken away from me (in case my parents could for some reason force my doctors), everything would get out of control, and I couldn't defend myself anymore publicly or warn others, and I thought I had to. So I told my parents if they'd call the hospital about it, I would break all contact with them. 

Yes. I literally told my own parents I wouldn't talk to them anymore if they tried to protect me by blocking my internet access. For me at the time, it felt like it would make the situation even worse. My parents became a threat. My thought pattern: they don't understand the internet, and how quickly it can ruin your life, so I need to stay on top of this.  I was convinced I was doing the right thing and was horrible to my parents, while they just tried to help me. Now, both my parents and I, understand I was sick back then and behaved the way I did because I was in crisis. People do and say strange things when they're in crisis. So if someone you love suddenly doesn't seem to trust you anymore and/or doesn't want to follow your advice while they're going through a crisis, don't see it as a trust issue. See it as a sign that they're in crisis and mentally unwell, and get them help. They might not thank you now, but later they most likely will. 

So to my mum and dad: sorry I didn't listen to you before. I understand it now. Everything you tried to make me see, which I couldn't see back then.

And, thank you. For everything. It was not your fault, or failed parenthood, that everything that happened, happened. I know you felt like you failed to protect me, but you actually were incredible at noticing all the signs, and saved my life by getting me professional help, and by giving me the time and space to get better.  

And dad, you were right. You told me right after you met Exurb1a, that you thought he looked like a crook. I should have trusted your gut-feeling. I thought Exurb1a was my best friend, but I was wrong.

We all make mistakes. Trusting Exurb1a, was mine. 
 

Timeline of Events Inside the System
Inside the System is a blog series about mental health, being hospitalised, fellow patients, and the things I've experienced last few months. I started to write because I had no idea how to deal with what was happening, and because I wanted something I could read back, that would remind me where I never want to be again in my life, emotionally. 
The Inside The System series is part of Project Blue is a Wave.