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Amanda Palmer, Alex McKechnie, Exurb1a, Susan and Jack

- TRIGGER WARNING -
This article contains resources, information and a memoir about sexual assault, mental abuse, depression, hospitalisation, medication, police failure and more, including videos, which may be triggering to see and read for survivors. This article is written to inform and empower victims and activists, but can still be triggering to those suffering from mental health problems (as a result of abuse). 

Can you hear the sound of the parade? Their drums go rum, ba da da da RUM , ba da da da RUM.
ba da da da RUM , ba da da da RUM.
Rum. Rum. RUM.

I stand up from behind the washing machine and look around my plant-room. In the distance, I can hear the orchestra in the streets, practising for the parade tomorrow. It's Carnaval in the South of the Netherlands. The Days of Joy, when people dress up and celebrate.

RUM.
ba da da da
RUM.

Back in the living room I sit down on my couch and pick up my old phone I had repaired the other day. I scroll through all the chat messages I've been looking at; all the print screens I've been making, which now will be used as evidence in my case against the man who raped me and put me through hell. 

I knew for a very long time how much evidence there was in my case and that the police had failed me. Having a lawyer now who's battling the police, finding more failure even until this day, and seeing my own phone working again, and finding more evidence on there too of what happened, just confirmed that feeling.

Keep fighting. Find a way.

I've been told not to talk about the case anymore. This means I shouldn't share new evidence either. Which is difficult, especially when your name has been raped online, after you were raped physically already. When the man who raped you, his friends, fans, and even his family, spread lies about you online. Lies still haunting you. Lies that you still need to fight, every day.

It's hard when you know what he has done to you. How he threatened and blackmailed you, while you were suicidal and hospitalised, after rape and abuse. How he tried to push you over the edge. How he threatened to spread lies about you and paint your character like a crazy person, in case you made it public why you stopped working with him; because he assaulted and raped you, while he was drunk.

And when in the end, you felt forced to speak out, to break his power over you, you received death threats for a year, from anonymous accounts, who tried to silence you. Accounts with no faces, who spread every lie your rapist told you he'd say about you. And you can't prove he was behind it; something you've suspected for a long time. Him, or his friends. You only have some prove, because one of his friends was stupid enough to do it using their real name. And a boyfriend who's girlfriend knew the man who raped you, reached out to you, to tell you the lies he told her about you.

It becomes even harder to stay silent about your case when you know that you have website visitors, who only look at content relating to him, from the area your rapist lives in, that have been flagged for downloading child pornography.

Especially when you find out that you can link one of those website visitor's IP addresses back to someone that knows him. Even more so when you can prove it with 100% certainty, because an internet provider gave you the exact name and address linked to the IP address that visited your website, that was flagged for downloading child pornography (and you recorded the whole conversation and have all evidence).

You confronted this person after figuring out who they are. You never met them, but you reached out.

This person claimed they were the person using your website. You asked them to describe the device they used, and which language settings it had, and told them their IP had been flagged with downloading child pornography. They gave you their device name and language, told you they hadn't downloaded it, and said they were shocked.

The device name this person gave you however, and the language settings, weren't the device and language settings that visited your website with this IP address linked to this person, according to your Google Analytics. First of all, the device that used your website, used English language settings. The person you're talking to now, who claims to have been using your website, says they have Bulgarian language settings. And a different phone. 

Do statistics lie? Or does this person lie? Is she covering for herself, or for someone she knows?


Yes, she's a she. I don't know her. She knows the man who raped me. She out of nowhere tells me suddenly she is a lesbian: information she wanted to provide me with, for some reason.

Is she trying to trick me? Is she telling the truth? Or again, is she covering for someone? Or, is she covering for herself?

I'm good at finding patterns. I do P.I work as a side-job for a reason. However, what I'm not good at, is deciding whether or not someone is a liar. I'm good at finding evidence if someone could be lying, but not good at making a decision based on that. I'm autistic for a reason. The problem for me is, that I find it hard to believe people would want to deceive me, especially for malicious reasons, when I've never harmed them. Especially if they seem friendly to me. When I have no reason to suspect someone could be lying, it's hard for me to convince myself they are indeed lying. Even when they are connected in some way to the man who raped me. I know not all people are bad. I've been told to stop trusting people and start questioning them more, so I start doing it.

This woman spent hours on my site. I can see it in my statistics. If she spent hours on my site, she must know what my story is about, right? She spent hours reading my blogs and watching my videos, so let's ask her is she can tell me something she read. Just to check.

She doesn't want to reply. She gets upset. While I've just told her that her IP was flagged for downloading child porn. While I've just told her there's a possibility someone has used her internet to download this. Strange. Why would she not want to reply?

She blocks me.
 

What the hell just happened?

Maybe she's not covering for someone. Maybe she downloaded the child porn herself. However, if she did, why would she not be polite to me, make sure I 'go away' and think she's a victim of someone who used her internet?

Her behaviour doesn't make sense. Unless, she is covering for someone else. The information she provided me about her phone, did not match up with the data of my website visitor, while they used her IP. She claimed she used my website, but didn't want to say what she read there, to prove she read my blogs.

Do I make this public? Do I keep silent? Again, what the hell?

I only noticed this IP address because it was flagged because it seemed to stalk my website. Then, I found out it was flagged for allegedly downloading child porn. And now I've found out the person behind this IP address, knows the man who raped me, and is possibly a liar.

Do I have to worry about this too now? Next to everything else I'm worrying about, and am trying to address online?

I start researching child pornography. Soon, I end up reading articles about child rape in India, pedophile rings all over the world, and by the end of the evening, I'm so sick of what I've read, I fall into a storm of nightmares about rape and children.



In February, Amanda Palmer found out about my tweets and blogs concerning the problems at Youtube, Patreon and Reddit, and social media in general. She retweeted a blog where I called out the CEO's of Youtube and Patreon, Susan and Jack, to look into these issues.

In the blog, a video was featured in which you could hear the rapist and I were in a relationship and working together; that we were collaborating. The video ends with a kiss. The moral of the video and blog was, that you may not guess that the story behind a video that ends with a kiss, would be one about rape and abuse, blackmail and threats, and abuse of power. Yes, the man who raped me, is another youtuber. Youtuber Exurb1a.

Half an hour later, after Amanda Palmer retweeted my blogs, I received a privacy complaint from youtube.

The rapist had complained about the video and was trying to get it taken down by Youtube. Again. My video, which concerned a message attached to it to the CEO's of youtube and Patreon too. My video that was not monetised. 


I could see in my Youtube Analytics that around the time the complaint was filed, someone from Bulgaria (where British youtuber Alex McKechnie, Exurb1a, currently lives) had watched the video. Since you need to be on the watch page of a video to report that video, I knew he was the one who reported it.

The person from Bulgaria who watched my video between 12:00-13:00 on February 9, 2018, matched with the person who filed the privacy complaint with Youtube and was trying to have my video taken down. This complaint was filed around 12:29 on February 9, 2018. 

Again, rapist Exurb1a was trying to silence me, for sharing the truth. He's been doing this for a year: trying to have my youtube channel and other social media accounts taken down, where I've spoken out about him. 

Youtuber Exurb1a still has not learned that the truth will fight for daylight. Especially when you try to hide it in the dark.

Rapist Exurb1a is trying to censor me and stop me from releasing pieces of my own documentary, which I'm releasing non-profit, which he freely participated in on his own accord, while we were working together. A documentary I made over the course of a year.

The documentary I was making was about our collaboration, and how we were working together. I never imagined it would turn out to have a plot twist either - that I would end up capturing patterns and pieces of evidence of abuse on film and eventually would spent 7 months inside a hospital after Exurb1a assaulted and raped me.

I never imagined that in 2018, I would look back on videos of myself being half-awake, drugged on medication, crying in video journals, describing the threats and blackmail Exurb1a was inflicting on me, while I was hospitalised.
 

It is what it is however.

Because I never stopped filming while this all happened (even though there are black gaps in-between during some periods when I really wasn't doing well) - a lot of these things are documented. Enough to piece together the story visually for others to understand. And that story, I will tell.

That story, two years of my life, two years of my work, I will not allow to be censored, by the man who raped me and put me through hell.
 

I felt forced by Exurb1a to speak out due to blackmail and threats, in January 2017.

After he coerced and manipulated me not to press charges, to buy himself time, and then, sexually assaulted me again, while I was hospitalised and too drugged to say no.

I spoke out before the #MeToo movement in 2017 happened. It was no conscious decision; speaking out. I did it out of fear, to warn others and to protect myself. I did it while I was hospitalised and drugged on medication. It was a cry for help. When I spoke out, it was during the most vulnerable situation I had ever been in, in my life.

My whole social life and privacy was affected by this. I was targeted online so viciously after I spoke out, at one point, I can say I almost didn't make it another day.

However, due to feeling forced to speak out, eventually, it did set me free and I became an activist due to it. I noticed it became more easy for me to talk about all this openly, when I went through all the shame initially of having no privacy anymore. In the beginning, the more I was targeted and told I was a liar, the more I started to share to show I was telling the truth. Why hide from the truth? I decided to own it and turn the truth into a weapon, while the man who raped me, tried to ruin me with lies.

For me, I wanted to leave my story behind too, because during that time, I honestly thought I wouldn't make it. I wanted to leave behind to my family, what had happened. So they had an explanation. So they wouldn't hate me. So they could forgive me.

2018, and I'm still here. I'm glad I can say that. I'm glad I survived what I now call 'The hell of 2017'. I mean, even if I don't consider my own story, 2017 was a year that was pretty depressing overall world-news wise. But maybe that's because I saw the world through a black hole too. Who knows.

The man who abused me, Alex McKechnie, also known as the 'space tortoise' youtuber Exurb1a, still doesn't understand the concept of truth - and how important that is for people like you and me.

When Alex started to threaten and blackmail me, and incite violence towards me by manipulating his fans, I started to realise what I was up against. That he, Exurb1a, wasn't just some bully. He was a clever abuser; one that knew how to influence people and manipulate people. I also realised that at the time, I was sick. I was hospitalised for acute stress disorder (later PTSD), depression and being suicidal. I realised how helpless and vulnerable that made me; so once the messages started coming in from his fans, saying I should kill myself, I started to research what was going on.

I spent weeks, months, researching narcissistic and sociopathic abuse. I read all the victim help sites: the blogs from men and women who experienced it. What they did, and what they didn't do. How they coped, and how they fought their abuser.

The overall message most help sites gave me was: Run, as fast as you can. Don't look back. Don't fight your abuser. It will only get worse. He/She will use everything in their power to destroy you.

The more hate I received, the more I read about narcissists, the more I wanted to give up. The more I read online I was a whore, a slut, a liar, a cunt, a crazy person, insane, the more hopeless I felt. Seeing my real name and business name, which are both quite unique, smeared online, was not something that gave me any hope for a better future at all. Anyone Googling my would find my name linked to the online situation, which would affect my career. For a freelancer, that is quite a depressing thought.

I felt like justice didn't exist, and as if there was nothing I could do. Not in my police case (where failure after failure happened in the meantime), and not in my life in general, to fight the horrible thoughts caused by the situation. The voice inside me started to repeat what the fans of the man who raped me told me online: kill yourself. 

Until, I really started to see and understand the patterns.

After months of research (A great book I can recommend By Marie-France Hirigoyen - Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity), after going through old conversations between the abuser and myself, trying to find out how and where and when I missed the signs, I started to see the patterns.

I started to recognise his reactions online - even though we didn't talk anymore. I started to find more and more evidence of his abusive behaviour. People started sending it to me too: in silence, there were people who supported me, and kept an eye on my abuser's behaviour.

So I started to gather evidence. Evidence, of everything. I started to document what was happening, which I had already been doing, but now to a greater extend. I started to question everything my abuser had ever told me; and the more I did, more lies were exposed. I started writing about it. I realised the story was so complex and scattered, I needed to take time to write it down. To capture all the evidence; so people would start believing me. Luckily, I had been making a documentary of the rapist and myself for a year, so there was a lot I could work with. A lot I could review, investigate and research.

I started to respond to my abuser's behaviour, but balanced it on the other scale of whatever he was doing: if he was silently manipulating people to attack me, I'd call him out in the open, and asked publicly if other people could question him and demand a statement from him. When he managed to have my videos taken down in silence, I'd publicly ask why his videos were not taken down, considering he's a drug and alcohol abuser, promotes alcohol and drug abuse in his videos, and raped me while he was drunk. Oh, and because he makes videos where he promotes violence against women, and suicide. When he had my Soundcloud account deleted because I had hosted evidence of it, I started to question companies like Soundcloud, and where their community's loyalty was. Next: Patreon, Youtube and Reddit.

The more he tried to silence me in the darkness, the more open and publicly I started to question and call out his moves. His behaviour. His morals. The companies and people endorsing him, promoting him, or enabling him.

While Alex did everything sneaky and in the dark, I did everything out and open, publicly: I became vocal. I started to scream.

Still, he does not understand this. Or does he?

I spoke about it with someone else recently, considering the rapist still tries to silence me. Does he think he still can? Is he that arrogant, dumb or narcissistic? Has he not learned that every time he tries to silence me, I will just become more vocal, and call him out for his abusive behaviour?

Or does he maybe like that I do it? Does he like it when people talk about him? Does he enjoy this perverted game?

I honestly don't know. What I do know, is that I won't allow myself to be silenced anymore.

During the first year, the power dynamics between the rapist and I are well shown very well inside this documentary, which I think is a very important thing to address, when it comes to the discussion about sexual violence within work relationships and when it comes to domestic abuse as well. Because, my situation was both work related, as well as related to domestic abuse; since the rapist was my co-worker, as well as someone I was in a relationship with.

Power dynamics and how bullies can affect their victims are well shown at the playground already among kids. A bully can make a victim give them their lunch money very easily already, without using many words. This happens among adults too.

The way my abuser treats me on film, seems funny at first in some situations, and you can even hear me laugh too when he's belittling me, disrespecting me, and humiliating me, but if you look closer, deeper, you can see the perverted power dynamics happening within the relationship already from an early stage on, captured on film.

Preview 01 of the Doucmentary ‘K1ll Yourself‘

In the documentary, all the red flags I missed or ignored are blatantly obvious.
 

"One can only imagine while watching the video, how he treated you when the camera wasn't rolling", - a remark I've received a couple of times from those whom I've shown previews of the documentary.

- that, is the exact reason why i'm releasing the documentary. i hope it will give an insight into the power dynamics between two people and how one party within a relationship can abuse that power, and manipulate a whole lot of people to target the other party, as a defence mechanism to save their own arse. it's about letting go of being human: the ultimate betrayal. trying to drive those you love to suicide to hide the truth, because you fucked up.


The first part of the documentary shows the long distance relationship; things my abuser and I sent each other in-between, while we weren't together. Things we were working on, together. It shows daily life; how two creatives unite to work together, and what they are doing in-between. It also shows the development of a romantic relationship - and the difficulty of long distance relationships.

It shows how communication between my abuser and I became more hostile and demanding as the relationship goes forward - while I'm sending him videos of butterflies, snails, plants and my child playing around. It shows the grim change in the things I start to document, the longer I know my abuser.

The second part of the documentary shows how I'm hospitalised and dealing with night mares, my rapist lying to me, manipulating me, how I'm trying to ask for help over and over again, but am misunderstood or not helped at all or taken serious, and how police fails me over and over again, while receiving death threats while being suicidal.

This documentary will be a short. Releasing this short, puts me in danger legally - so for now, I decided not to release the full documentary (which would be 2 hours really). The short, working title K1ll Yourself as of now, which will be an awareness and call for action video. It will feature voices of others too. (Reach out to add your voice!)

K1ll Yourself the film could be made, with enough public support. I would not need any financial compensation for it; it would be a non-profit film, but I would need support to release it considering the legal danger.

So essentially, you can consider the short, K1ll Yourself, as a pitch. A pitch of the full story I can tell, if enough people support me publicly and help protect me against myself against my rapist that way, who has been supported by people like billionaire Markus Persson (Minecraft maker Notch). Your voice matters. Your voice can empower people. Always keep that in mind.

The full documentary would be a story that will involve the violation of European laws and police failure too, the difficult road to justice, the people with influence that look away or enable abusers, and how multiple million dollar businesses forget that there are humans behind the screens of the platforms they've created. 

The's no easy road to justice. There's only a mountain with no path.

I've captured it because I was forced to. From recording police conversations to prove failure, to locating my own rapist for the police because they "couldn't find him", to eventually having to find a lawyer to fight my own government and the police due to bad police work, not hearing witnesses in my case, and failing me, over and over again.

It will all be in there. I hope I will be able to make the full documentary, to give a voice to victims of rape, victims of police failure, victims of online abuse and character assassination, and victims of partner abuse or work-related abuse.

If you want to help me create K1ll Yourself the film, please reach out.

If you would like to add your voice already to the short - K1ll Yourself, the awareness & call for action video, please, reach out too.

 


Can you hear the sound of the parade Alex?

Timeline of Events Inside the System
Inside the System is a blog series about mental health, being hospitalised, fellow patients, and the things I've experienced last few months. I started to write because I had no idea how to deal with what was happening, and because I wanted something I could read back, that would remind me where I never want to be again in my life, emotionally. 
The Inside The System series is part of Project Blue is a Wave.

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