UPDATE FEBRUARY 2018
Amanda Palmer Retweeted my Call For Action Blog. 48 Hours later, YouTube got in touch with me finally, after a year. They are currently investigating youtuber Exurb1a. I've asked them to investigate if the anonymous accounts who sent me death threats and spread lies about me, could be linked to him, considering he is my number one suspect. Communication goes slow, but they are looking into the situation. Please keep showing support to make sure they take action!
Original Post - including new timeline of events with evidence
This video is not monetised. 95% of my videos are not anymore since I spoke out (only enough to pay for my hosting/website.)
You probably would not guess that the story behind a video that ends with a kiss, would end up to be one about rape, assault, abuse of power, blackmail and threats.
I will not be silenced anymore. Not be my own rapist Exurb1a, but also not by youtube.
Hi Susan Wojcicki. You're the CEO of YouTube. Also hi to Jack Conte, CEO of Patreon. Hi to anyone reading this. I would like to bring this to your attention.
Susan, Youtube, you encourage youtubers to work together. You even have a wonderful program about it. But where are you, when we youtubers, end up in a hospital due to those collaborations? For 7 months?
For example, because we are raped, assaulted, threatened, stalked, blackmailed and harassed due to those collaborations? When we feel forced to speak out and warn people about other youtubers, and get attacker and receive death threats and whatnot?
Oh and Susan.. This doesn't only happen if you get raped and assaulted and speak out about another youtuber, because you feel forced to, due to blackmail and threats. Sometimes just being a woman and leaving a comment on youtube, can result into this:
You've even blocked my video where I speak out about rape and abuse in some countries. My video, about youtuber Exurb1a.
Something many people don't understand, is that I met youtuber Exurb1a (Alex to me) through youtube, to work with him. Only after we started collaborating together on many different projects, a serious romantic relationship also developed.
Because we were working together and because I was planning to audition for the National Film and Television School in London in 2018, we agreed I'd make a documentary about our collaboration to, of Exurb1a and myself working together. This documentary I'd turn into my audition film for the NFTS (which I had already visited an open day of in London, and had been my 5 year plan to work towards to - that audition).
Due to this, and being in documenting modus during the whole part of our relationship, when the relationship went south when he became violent when drunk (he regularly abused alcohol), unfortunately this became a part of the documentary. Me ending up in the hospital also, and Exurb1a who ending up blackmailing and threatening me there to keep me quiet about abuse/rape, too, while I was hospitalised with acute stress disorder and depression, due to rape and abuse.
After manipulating me not to press charges (I cannot make public how he did this due to my court case, and because it could incite a witch-hunt on Exurb1a, and be dangerous for him), and after I suffered a miscarriage after rape and abuse, I was hospitalised on November 24, 2016.
At this point, Exurb1a said he would come over straight away, to talk about what happened.
Except, he didn't come over. He left me to rot, for 12 days.
I didn't contact him during this period either, and neither did he contact me.
After 12 days, I realised what he had done: he had bought time. He had manipulated me not to press charges, so it would look bad if I would do it months after. Then, he left me to rot, and inflicted emotional abuse on me when I called him out on it after 12 days, and he tried to twist the story.
As a result, I tweeted about it, when he screamed at me on Skype while I was hospitalised, and threatened me. I hoped making public what he was doing, would make him stop. Except it didn't. It made him 10x worse.
I tried to press charges against Exurb1a in November 2016. Due to a language barrier, I wasn't able to. When Exurb1a found out I was pressing charges, he asked me for dinner to talk, because he wanted to apologise and 'explain a few things'.
While we were walking towards the restaurant, in a remote area, he said his friend Fox, was 'waiting to kill me with some friends'. When he saw how terrified I responded, he said it was a 'joke'. Exurb1a made many covert jokes like that.
During this dinner however, Exurb1a and I had a very long talk, and he manipulated me not to press charges.
I've not made public how he manipulated me. I've communicated this a hundred times already in my blogs, but I'm going to point it out again, to warn you, and, to show you that in fact I am protecting Exurb1a, my rapist, in a way, and am also trying to protect you.
Criminal court is public. Anyone can attend criminal court in The Netherlands. Meaning, anyone attending criminal court, can quote me once I get there, and will have to reveal all details of what happened between Exurb1a and myself.
There are small but important details I've left out of my story. These details concern as to how Exurb1a manipulated me not to press charges in October, November and December 2016, while I was trying to - so he'd buy himself time (so I would look bad if I did it months later).
These details I cannot make public outside criminal court, because these detail are quite disturbing, and for those to be told, other incriminating details about Exurb1a, I would have to share too. Specifically, another alleged sexual assault Exurb1a has been accused of too.
This other alleged sexual assault, is something I cannot make public, without Exurb1a being in protection of court. I could make it public now under Fair Comment on a Public Person already, but if I would, it could incite a massive witch hunt on Exurb1a. This, I do not want.
Personally, I believe the other alleged sexually assault Exurb1a has been accused of, did happen. I have reasons to believe this due to circumstantial evidence I uncovered myself making me believe it happened + hearsay, from a witness who told me about this alleged assault.
However, I'm not making it public, even though I can under Fair Comment on a Public Person, to warn the public about him. I've decided not to share the details outside court, because it could possibly be dangerous for Exurb1a. Meaning, I am protecting my own rapist in a way.
I have however decided to share as much as I can about my own story, to warn others about them. I've done this so people can protect themselves. Many people have tied their names to Exurb1a: people who gave him money, allowed him to use their names in his books, for example.
I get it. You like that he's becoming more famous and you want a little fame too, and recognition for the fact that you supported him & gave him money. You like seeing your name published in his books/online. You like being immortalised that way. You like showing it to others.
However. Once details about my story, are told in court, they WILL BE MADE PUBLIC. Anyone can quote me from that point, who's inside the courtroom, and criminal court anyone can attend. Meaning, the other alleged sexual assault, will be made public too, and all other details.
Meaning, from that point on, if you supported Exurb1a (financially), your name will be forever tied to what has been shared in court. Everyone will know, that I tried to warn people about this: Including youtubers KurzGesagt, Real Engineering, Youtube, CGP Grey, Casually Explained, Wendover Productions, and Notch.
All his fans who supported him with their first and last name, all youtubers and businesses who tied their name to him, will be linked to Exurb1a forever, and the details shared inside court, AND, that I tried warning them & that they ignored me (and some tried silencing me).
Please realise this. I've tried my hardest to warn everybody in every way I could, by releasing as much information as I legally could, to prove evidence of my story. I've released more info on my case than most victims would've done. I did it to warn everybody.
Do not target me and blame me if your name will be dragged through the mud once all the details of my story come out in court and will be made public. I tried to warn you. The result was that I received death threats, was silenced, ridiculed, and lies were spread about me. Including on this subreddit, where Exurb1a manipulated the narrative, so people would hate me, and incite online violence on me.
I will not support those who support my rapist. You're enabling him, empowering him, and harming yourself in the long course. I will not stand on the sideline and watch you do this to yourself. I will fight self-destructive behaviour. You might not understand now, but will soon.
When Exurb1a found out about the tweets when I called him out for harassing me, as a result, he said he was going to make a statement to all his fans, that I had been blackmailing him. That I had never tried to go to the police or never tried pressing charges, while he had manipulated me not to go.
He told me he'd make a statement filled with half-truths and lies, so assassinate my character. Due to it, I deleted my tweet, and stayed silent. I requested he would report himself to the police. He asked me to first talk. Out of fear, because he said he would dox me and spread lies about me, I said okay, and stayed polite for him for the time being. I started to capture what was happening however:
When Exurb1a came over while I was hospitalised, I was drugged on medication. He threatened me in person, and when I had a panic attack due to the whole situation while we were alone, while I was drugged on medication, he sexually assaulted me again.
Later, he tried to use this against me, to try and frame me, to make it look like the first assault and rape didn't happen.
What you can hear in the full hospital conversation too:
- Exurb1a making up excuses for the 'Did you know I once set fire to a woman's computer threat?' he made.
He made this threat in person, before he sexually assaulted me (second time) while I was drugged. It was a direct response to my comment 'I can't be your friend anymore if I can't trust you.' In the phone conversation, you can hear him acknowledge he said something similar, only, he tries to twist it, like he said something else, as if it wasn't a threat.
Many of his threats to me were in person and often covert threats which he later made out to be 'jokes'. Just like his threat when I said I was going to press charges against him. He said his friend Fox was 'waiting to kill me with some friends', at the end of a road, when we were walking in a remote area. When he saw how terrified I responded, he said it was a 'joke'.
Furthermore: In the video he confirms a sexual situation happened when he came over in December 2016, while I was hospitalised. He tries to blame me, as if I wanted it and tried to have sex with him. This was while I was hospitalised & a psychiatric patient, and drugged on medication, while I had already accused him of abusing me, prior to him visiting me.
This sexual assault happened while I had a panic attack, after the 'computer threat' happened. The sexual assault happened while I was medicated on 3 types of medication - 1 of them being Xanax, a known rape drug, to give you an idea of the severe side-effects it causes. Google 'Xanax Zombie' to find out how Xanax affects people.
The second sexual assault happened while Exurb1a again, drank alcohol, just like when he assaulted and raped me in October, in Bulgaria. He tried to give me alcohol too that afternoon (I declined since I was already 'spacing' due to my medication, WHICH HE KNEW). At this point, Exurb1a was responsible for me, considering I was not fully conscious, a psychiatric patient, and under the influence of prescribed medication.
Just alone for the crime Exurb1a committed in the Netherlands he could get 8 years in prison. See Dutch law Art. 243. There are witnesses who instantly saw me after it happened, to whom I described what happened, who will testify against Exurb1a in court.
I quote from Dutch law Art. 243: (quick google translation)
He, who with someone he knows that he is in state of unconsciousness, reduced consciousness or physical impotence, or suffers from such a defective development or morbid disorder of his mental faculties that he is not or imperfectly able to determine his will about it or making known or opposing them, committing acts consisting of or partly consisting of the sexual penetration of the body, will be punished with imprisonment of up to eight years or a fine of the fifth category.
This happened in December 2016, after Exurb1a blackmailed me to stay silent and talk to him, while I had already said in October 2016 that Exurb1a abused me, Exurb1a confirmed in October 2017 that he had didn't realise he had been so aggressive during the drunk night that happened (on video), I had told multiple witnesses between October and December he had abused me, prior to him visiting me inside the hospital while I was drugged, before he sexually assaulted me again, and tried to frame me in January 2017 (which I also caught on video).
After blackmail and threats from Exurb1a, after he tried to frame me for the second sexual assault, I went public, to stop his power over me.
Immediately after I went public, anonymous accounts started spreading lies about me. Personally, I suspect youtuber Exurb1a and his friends to be behind these lies.
In April 2018, the creator of subreddit /r/exurb1a (one of the communities about Exurb1a), voluntarily donated the subreddit to me, so I could have a look inside the subreddit's moderator log, given Exurb1a used this subreddit to incite online violence on me.
Exurb1a manipulated and censored the subreddit to influence the narrative there, so people would think I was a liar, had no evidence against him, hate me, and send me death threats.
Exurb1a did this in such a subtle way, few people noticed or acknowledged it, even when he was called out for it.
Exurb1a allowed comments inside his subreddit that claimed there was no censorship, while deleting comments linking to my evidence.
People who tried to defend me because they saw the online violence that was inflicted on me while I was hospitalised, were called me, harassed and bullied, or banned from the subreddit. The subreddit changed their rules: new accounts weren't allowed to post anymore inside the subreddit, so new people who found out about what was going on inside the subreddit which was used by Exurb1a to target me in a very subtle way, who tried to make new accounts on Reddit to defend me (for example, because they had never used Reddit, or didn't want their real account to be targeted), couldn't comment and defend me.
Every now and then, a few comments criticizing Exurb1a were allowed: to make it look like the subreddit wasn't being censored and manipulated. Those comments were downvoted so they would 'disappear' often, or, targeted by other accounts.
Anonymous accounts spammed the subreddit with lies about me, so the comments calling out censorship and manipulation, would 'disappear' among all the hate, targeting me. Comment trying to link to my evidence, were pretty much 99% of the time removed.
When I did my livestream on May 28, 2017, a 2 hour stream in which I showed evidence about my story, and chatted with viewers about it, Exurb1a removed the post about it instantly from his subreddit.
Exurb1a was called out for it on the livestream. I told people inside the livestream, Exurb1a was probably watching this stream, and that after people called his censorship out inside the stream, he probably wouldn't censor anything after this, if people tried to share my stream to rectify my name. Because then, everybody would know he had been censoring and manipulating the subreddit, and couldn't hide behind a 'bot' who maybe accidentally deleted the stream.
This is exactly what happened, which now, in April 2018, I can prove, because I was given access to the Mod Log by the previous owner of the subreddit. See the times below.
I even talked about it on Snapchat, with a moderator from the subreddit, called Caleb. Caleb was a friend of mine. He met me after he found out Exurb1a and I were in a relationship. He was one of the three moderators of /r/exurb1a, and also made the website Exurb1a.com (now offline, as we speak). We became friends, and we spoke regularly. He started to support me (and Alex) from the moment we met.
On Snapchat we talked about how Exurb1a had manipulated and censored the subreddit, specifically, we talked about the censorship of the livestream the next day, which people tried to share to clear my name, and bring up the manipulation that had been happening inside the subreddit. I told Caleb he could prove how Exurb1a had been manipulating and censoring his subreddit, to incite online violence on me. Caleb said people would just say he deleted it because someone had already posted the other post first (which wasn't true, because it was the second post, after Exurb1a deleted the first, for which he was called out during the livestream), in other words: Caleb said people would not believe it.
Caleb was too scared obviously to get involved himself and speak out on the subreddit, no surprise, since he had connected his real name to his Reddit account. He stayed moderator inside the subreddit however, to watch what was happening inside. He kept reporting to me for months, and stayed in touch with me to support me, while I was trying to deal with what was happening, and trying to get better, while hospitalised.
Caleb, was actually the person who told me Exurb1a possibly cheated on me. I had my own suspicions myself as well given Exurb1a somewhere during the relationship suddenly had some kind of vague 'bladder infection' he couldn't explain well, due to which we needed to use condoms, but Caleb confirmed my suspicion.
These are some of my own search results by the way, from my own Gmail account, from October 2016, and November 2016, when I was trying to get help due to Exurb1a's abusive behaviour.
When I got control over the subreddit in April 2018, I actually found out Exurb1a had been trying to set Caleb against me, on January 19, 2017.
Exurb1a messaged Caleb, after Exurb1a threatened to dox me inside his own subreddit, and threatened to spread lies about me there (such as that I had been blackmailing him), if I would make public what happened between us.
Exurb1a told Caleb (which is slander and defamation) I was 'trying to start all manner of drama'. He said he deleted a comment where I implied I was going to put up a video of 'him in his personal life'.
Exurb1a was in fact hiding a comment referring to a post I had posted in subreddit Bulgaria, with an account few people knew about (Alex did), where I asked people for help to press charges in Bulgaria, without mentioning Alex' name.
In The Netherlands, on January 16 (2017), I was misinformed I could not press charges in the Netherlands.
Due to the mistakes of the police, in January 2017, I asked for help in the Bulgaria subreddit.
Immediately, I was targetted by an account called 'BulgarianObserver', who started harassing me, while I was asking for help. As a response I said: 'Maybe I'll just show them (the police) the 30 minute video in which he admits the physical assault'.
This comment, was linked in the Exurb1a subreddit in a comment, and Exurb1a hid it from the subreddit, because he didn't want people to find out - while he allowed hateful posts and comments about me, and hid other content linking to my evidence. At the same time, Exurb1a tried to set moderator Caleb, against me. My own friend.
Did Exurb1a know BulgarianObserver? Or is he maybe BulgarianObserver? Decide for yourself:
I later had to tweet my own government while I was hospitalised, about what the police had told me: that I couldn't press charges in the Netherlands, for crimes committed in Bulgaria. I found out the police had lied to me (misinformed me).
I had to tweet my own government to find out. Later, the police acknowledged their mistakes, and apologised.
Exurb1a sent the message to moderator Caleb, on January 19 (2017), days after I had sent him evidence I tried to press charges against him (for the second time, after he had manipulated me not to do it in October and November 2016), which I failed at, but instead, I had filed a police report.
At this point, Exurb1a knew there was no going back. He knew I was serious and done with him. He still tried to call me and harass me and threaten me, while at the same time he was trying to set my friend Caleb against me, and manipulating the subreddit so people would target me, but I refused to talk to him.
Even though he tried to get in touch with me, many times. At this point, I started to make all his harassment public, in the hope he'd stop, because it was making me even more suicidal.
Throughout 2017 and 2018, Exurb1a manipulated the narrative inside his subreddit. He allowed hate posts and comments about me inside the subreddit.
People calling these comments or posts out, or people who tried to defend me, were called me. Example above. This account was targeted for calling out toxic behaviour aimed at me, and called me. The history of this account defending me (below) showed they had been on Reddit for 2 years, and even had a cat, showing it clearly couldn't be me: I'm highly allergic to cats.
Exurb1a allowed hateful comments like these, while deleting negative comments questioning him a lot. Through it, he manipulated the narrative inside the subreddit: people saw my name pop up everywhere, associated with 'trying to start drama'. This was, from the start, what Exurb1a tried to accomplish, so people would not believe me.
He deleted comments in which I tried to rectify my name (My PhotoandGrime and Hersenspinsel Reddit accounts; both are also two small youtube channels of mine) and link to my evidence to clear my name, in the hope the online violence would stop. Eventually Exurb1a banned me inside the subreddit, based on the fact that I was 'sharing personal and confidential information'. In other words: the truth. He made sure I could not defend myself anymore.
Eventually, I had to reach out to Reddit, to address the situation, considering Exurb1a allowed hate-posts about me inside the subreddit, while hiding evidence clearing my name.
I contacted Reddit about it, to inform them of what was going on. Reddit unmuted my account Hersenspinsel, and Exurb1a finally deleted a hate post about me.
Reddit never took action against Exurb1a further. Subreddit /r/videos did however, when they found out what he had been doing to me. They personally contacted me on Twitter, looked into my story, and as a result, decided they wanted to ban him from /r/videos. They needed a reason, and found one: vote-manipulation.
Some things are unforgivable. What Exurb1a did to me, was unforgivable.
Exurb1a raped and assaulted me while I was drunk. Then, he tried to silence me, through blackmail and threats.
Then, he used his own fans in a very manipulative way, to target me.
As a result, I was hospitalised for 7 months total, because everyone thought it was more safe for me, considering I was attacked everywhere: from my Facebook to my Twitter account, from my youtube channel to my Reddit account, etc.
People told me to die. People called me a whore. People called me a slut. People called me a liar. People said I used drugs around my own child. People said I was insane. People said I was psychotic. People said I was crazy. People said, a lot.
I was saved by my family, friends and health care professionals, who at exactly the right times, knew to intervene, and bring me to safety, when I wasn't seeing the light anymore, due to what my rapist and abuser was doing to me.
While this all happened - you know what Exurb1a did in the meantime, in 2017?
He participated in conversations with his friends about (ch1ld) rape jokes and abusing pussy, and continued to stalk me.
Below, you can find evidence of Exurb1a stalking me. My twitter friend @b1tt3 was one of the first people who started to support me when I spoke out. She left this tweet on January 19, 2017:
On January 21, 2018, a year since I spoke out, my twitter friend and I found out Exurb1a was suddenly following her on Twitter, while he barely follows anyone, and she wasn't following him.
In this conversation below, you can see @b1tt3 and I talk about this. Exurb1a most likely followed her to terrify me and let me know he's watching me and all my twitter friends.
Below, you can see evidence of Exurb1a, who lives in Bulgaria, stalking my Netflix activity in 2016 after he raped and abused me.
Below, evidence of how Exurb1a legally stalks me and tries to get at me, including subtle threats, by using 'sub-tweets' right after I tweet something. Please notice the times. This type of abuse is common among high-functioning narcissists, since legally you can't do anything about it, and it's incredibly subtle.
It doesn't stop there however. Exurb1a is even using his videos to get at me. See my article Birth of Trauma where this is mentioned too.
Please all act very surprised with me that after this thread and talking about an article about FEAR I've been writing for weeks, the autonomic nervous system & the brain... The man who stalks me and who raped me, youtuber @Exurb1a, made a video about fear response etc. pic.twitter.com/82dImZfhHW— Pieke Roelofs (@PhotoandGrime) June 30, 2018
I can give countless of examples like this, the psychological abuse he's showcasing online, how he tries to get at me. Just an example below of his latest video, which was all about 'wizard jizz', a personal joke between us (see the date of the Skype conversation above). pic.twitter.com/StfXSZLMmy— Pieke Roelofs (@PhotoandGrime) June 30, 2018
Furthermore, Exurb1a had his own sister threaten me and smear my name online, through my own contact form on my website. This woman, Kirsten, is a 30+ lady with two children, who thought threatening and slandering a rape victim was a great idea. She left a bunch of lies in the e-mail threat she sent me too. She claims me revealing Exurb1a raped me and talking about my court case is apparently me 'threatening him'.
She also calls my autistic son (I'm autistic myself as well) 'heavily disabled' and says I don't have a lot of 'support' (after divorce), which again is a lie, considering I have a family who's been a great support system.
I was quite upset when I replied, especially because Exurb1a mocked his sister a lot in the past, called her aggressive and a liar, and said she wasn't a 'real McKechnie' (of which I have audio evidence), and this sister was now threatening me for hi, smearing my name (on Twitter too), and spreading lies about me. Considering how immoral I knew she was based on Exurb1a's stories, after I sent the first e-mail, I fired another one back right away. Her reply? Again, a bunch of lies.
My last reply to the sister, below.
After I sent this e-mail back to Kirsten, she never contacted me again, and stopped harassing me. Ask yourself why. I pressed charges against Kirsten for threatening me.
As long as Exurb1a's not in jail (my lawyer and I are working on it - there was tremendous amount of police failure in my case - see links below) - I will keep warning people about this predator. Even when YouTube makes it difficult for me to talk about it, and keeps trying to delete my videos, or censors them.
To the CEO of Youtube, Susan, in case you happen to come across this post:
I've pressed charges against youtuber Exurb1a (Alex M.) for:
1 account of rape (happened in Bulgaria)
1 account of assault (happened in Bulgaria)
1 account of sexual assault (happened in the Netherlands after I was hospitalised after rape/assault, while I was hospitalised, while i was drugged on medication)
Harassment, Stalking, Threats, Blackmail, Libel Slander, and inciting online violence on me (trying to drive me to commit suicide).
I've pressed charges against Exurb1a's sister Kirsten for threatening me, pressed charges against Exurb1a's friend Simona K. for libel & slander, and am in process of pressing charges against Jack B. (threats) and pressing charges against online anonymous accounts for libel & slander, death threats, etc. I've asked Youtube to research if these anonymous accounts could possibly be linked to Exurb1a or his friends.
If you want to know what happened with Exurb1a, the police (and all the police failure in my case), etc, I recommend to check the following resources:
1. My statement
2. My case
3. Expose video
Youtube encourages youtubers to collaborate with other youtubers (in other words, work with strangers). When we get raped/assaulted as a result of those collaborations however, and harassed and attacked online when we speak out, they barely do anything to help us. They even censor rape stories online when we speak out, or delete our videos, because our predators request them to.
- People who attack us are rarely banned from youtube.
- People often quickly delete there messages, so we see them, but can't report them.
- When we report these messages, youtube will message us back that they 'can't find any violation'.
- It's not possible to speak with a human being on the phone at the youtube 'help desk'.
- It's not possible to send printscreens to youtube to prove harassment.
- It's almost impossible to communicate with youtube via e-mail. The system to report any problem to youtube is so difficult to get through, many people find themselves speaking to a automatic 'bot' (e-mailing system).
- Youtube's advices you to 'go to the police' in some cases. A solution that often proves it doesn't work or help at all.
- Youtube fails to take responsibility to protect its own community and members.
- Youtube allows rapists and abusers on their platform, to make money on their platform.
12 year old Josh started a petition to get Exurb1a off youtube. It has almost 700 signatures already.
I started a petition to address the issues on youtube that leaves youtubers incredibly unprotected. It also addresses the issue that platform Patreon allows rapists on their platform.
Patreon, is a platform where creators such as youtubers can receive money for the content they create.
Fans can subscribe to this platform and give donations to a creator who has a Patreon account there. In return, the creator will make content for his fans. Before fans donate money, they are told what they are paying for. Fans can report Patreon campaigns that don't follow the Patreon Community Guidelines.
Patreon regularly allows creators with shady Patreon campaigns to make money on their platform. Patreon gets a cut of every dime a creator makes through their platform, and barely monitors their creators, unless the media riots about campaigns that shouldn't be on Patreon.