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My Partner Raped Me, Now What?

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You know you were raped by your partner, but you don’t know what to do. If it was the first time, you probably want to forgive them. Don’t.

Your partner violated your trust. You cannot trust your partner anymore. They do not have your best interest at heart. They violated and disrespected your body, not to mention, your heart.

Do you want to try to work things out? Don’t.

Still want to try to forgive them and work things out? Don’t.

Are you being stubborn? In that case, if you want to take a huge risk like that, take at least the following precaution steps:

  • Make a new e-mail account. Make sure your partner has no way of accessing it. Preferably make the account in a library, or any place where you can use access to a device you don’t own, with access to internet.

  • Send an e-mail to your own account. Describe what happened. Mention the date you’re writing this, and mention the date when it happened. Mention the time. Mention your fears. Mention why you don’t want to leave your partner yet. Mention where you are writing this e-mail from.

  • Take a picture of the location you are using. Attach it in the e-mail.

  • Attach any pictures of bruises. Pictures of clothing you were wearing when it happened. Any fabric that has DNA on it, take a picture, and attach it in the e-mail.

  • Print the e-mail.

  • Put clothing and any DNA evidence you have in a brown paper back.

  • Go to the police.

  • Hand the printed e-mail with attachments over, and the bag.

  • Report that scumbag(gitto). Ask for protection to safely leave the relationship.

  • Take a vacation if you can while police do their thing (make sure your partner can’t find out where).

  • When your partner has served their time in jail and has begged for forgiveness and has taken 300 therapy sessions and you happen to bump into them tell them you wish them well and are glad they took responsibility. (You’ve already moved on.)


If only it was that easy

Actually, I missed something. After your vacation, here’s what you should do first:

  • Come back. Instal an alarm. Get therapy and whatever help you need to deal with the trauma. Move to a different address if you have to. Change your whole life if you must, in order to not be confronted with the abuser at some point in the future and not end up murdered. Record all communication with the police in case of police failure.

Lauren McCluskey was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in October 2017, after she ended the relationship and asked police for help.

Reporting something to the police should help keep you safe. But what if reporting something actually puts you in danger? It’s a catch 22.

Lauren McCluskey was harassed by her ex-boyfriend and reported it to the police. The ex then murdered her.

He had given her a fake name, lied about his age and concealed his criminal history. The 37-year-old was a registered sex offender; in 2004, he pleaded guilty to enticing a minor on the Internet, after being caught by a law enforcement investigator posing as a 13-year-old girl, as well as attempted forcible sexual abuse of a 17-year-old.
— Rolling Stone

Power dynamics and fear is what stops victims from reporting their partners. Victims who come forward, need better protection. In many countries of the world, victims aren’t protected at all.

Zeinab Sekaanvand Lokran was executed in October 2018.

This month, Zeinab Sekaanvand Lokran was executed in Iran. She was 17 and a child-bride when she was arrested. She was raped by her brother-in-law, denied a divorce and abused by her husband, before she killed him.

Zeinab Sekaanvand said that, soon after she was married at 15, she sought help many times from the authorities about her violent husband and alleged that her brother-in-law had raped her repeatedly. Instead of investigating these allegations, however, the authorities consistently ignored her and failed to provide her with any support as a victim of domestic and sexual violence.
— Philip Luther, Amnesty International

Amnesty International, who campaigned for the victim’s release, released a statement about what happened.

After the murder of her husband, Zeinab Sekaanvand said she was interrogated under torture by male police officers without a lawyer present. During her final trial session, where she was allowed a lawyer for the first time, she retracted her earlier ‘confession’ that she had murdered her husband, saying that she had been coerced to make it. Despite this, the judge refused to order a further investigation and instead sentenced her to death.
— Philip Luther, Amnesty International

It’s difficult to trust the police will protect you, if you know stories like those from the women mentioned in this articles. It’s terrifying filing a police report because your partner raped you, when you know some conviction statistics.

Rape Conviction Statistics 2016-2017:

  • 823 REPORTED RAPES IN NORTHERN IRELAND (UK) IN 1 YEAR WITH JUST 15 PEOPLE CONVICTED. (1.82%).
  • 1745 REPORTED RAPES IN THE WEST MIDLANDS (UK) IN 1 YEAR WITH JUST 174 PEOPLE CONVICTED. (9.97%)
  • 1205 REPORTED RAPES IN AVON AND SOMERSET (UK) IN 1 YEAR WITH JUST 86 PEOPLE CONVICTED. (7.14%) 
  • 131 REPORTED RAPES IN LIMBURG (THE NETHERLANDS) IN 1 YEAR WITH JUST 3 PEOPLE CONVICTED. (2.29%)

Victims have the right to know the danger of reporting a partner.

Even more so, they have the right to be protected, when they dare to speak out, ask for help, or fight their abuser. A victim who speaks out is not only attempting to protect themselves, but a whole community. The bravery of speaking out should be treated as such: a service for the public.

Start supporting activists and survivors today. For example, show support for Azza Soliman, who risks her own safety and freedom to defend survivors of abuse in Egypt.

If we want to fight abuse, we need to keep raising our voices. Together.

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