The nothing is calling me

There are freckles in my eyes now
and I am lucky I gain weight easily
because some days I don't eat for thirty
specks of green and brown
as I become more than none

and I am too afraid to say anything
too afraid to say too much
"Don't tell me these things," I shout
for you might put them in my head
and they merge and glue and stick -
they might just come to be

He wants me to have his babies
but I am a time traveler
where will diapers go when I go mad?
He wants me to make and show more me
but I am unsettled
ready to go home already

They want me to live
while I do not want to be

They want me to scream
while I want to whisper

silently
and disappear

for the nothing is calling me
it is written in the sky
and where you go
and I go when things go mad
is not where I want to be
for the nothing
is calling me

'Man,' I write
are you happy now
taking all these years of my life
my words
my pain
my everything
'Woman,' he does not write back
'I am not done yet'

You are always watching
while I will never watch
'And I will always have you,' he says
'In the same way you have me'
such clarity
when close to insanity
the light
before my eyes
went out

and I am too afraid to say nothing
too afraid to say too little
"Don't tell me these things," I shout
for you might put them in my head
and they merge and glue and stick -
they might just come to be

there are freckles in your eyes now
and you are lucky you gain weight easily
because some days you don't eat for thirty
specks of green and brown
as you become more than none

and I do not write for them
I write for you
'does it matter?' I beg
'when all you do is write my end?'
and where I go
is not where I want to be
for the nothing
is calling me

[written 6 November, 2025]

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This article is part of a series. Please see The Dark Side of Justice for more information.