When Jackie was born, we weren’t really sure. They looked black for a while. Margaret was already concerned in week 2 and called everybody in the family. ‘What should we do? Should we start now?’ She asked her parents calmly.
On the first day she wanted to begin the trial of our daughter, who was then 4 weeks old, she leaned over her and said to me:
‘Come and look, I really think they’re more blue! Yes, very different from last week, if you compare it to this picture!’
Margaret was happy and we didn’t get another scare like that until five years after our second, Lara, was born. When my youngest opened her eyes for the first time, they already were ocean blue. Every day they seemed to become lighter, until she was three. From then on they stayed baby blue. Nobody had any doubts she wouldn’t carry it. I think the chances are 1 in 2 billion people, if they have blue eyes. That means 2 people on our earth on average. What are the chances my daughter would be one of those people?
She didn’t start to recognises the waves though. When she was three we became slightly concerned. The doctor said she could be a late-bloomer; it wasn’t unusual, there was nothing to be worried about. Margaret started the trial anyway, because Lara’s nephews, who were of the same age, had already shown proper evidence. It was taboo to talk about the trial. Every parent did the same thing. We had to trigger it inside her.
It could be it wasn’t strong enough in her, and by triggering heavy emotions, it could expand at a young age. After the age of 5, this was impossible, and it would die off if it hadn’t reached the proper level.
Of course we started with simple things. Making her laugh hysterically. Tickle her. Give her presents. We tried to surprise her and make her feel as loved as possible. Nothing worked.
Many parents are afraid of doing it after the age of 3, because the kids remember better. Nobody wants to be accused later of not believing in their children’s potential. We don’t talk about it. But if they don’t have it, nobody wants them anymore.
It’s almost impossible to adapt in society these days without it, and if you’re an unlucky one, you grow up to be enormously depressive here. Most of the negatives kill themselves at 30 years old. No parent wants that kind of out-look for their child. That’s why there’s a tiny city in the world created for them, to find peace. Which is also why we need to stop the trial at age 3 with the negatives, because otherwise they’ll remember how much we wanted them to be normal. We’d love them regardless, but would prefer them to live in the world with us, so we try to provoke it. Being torn away from your family at the age of 5 is a nightmare for anyone. But for us, we see the greater picture. We feel the flow. So we can let go and see the path and not worry.
Lara, now 19, looks up from the window. She doesn’t see the flow. Her eyes are red, which makes the blue in them even more dramatic. How could she not have been one?
I made a special child. A negative, while my wife is the most positive one I ever met. And my flow has not been so bad myself, I might say.
‘I remember it now. I don’t know why. Holding my hand above the fire. I can feel my skin burn.’
‘Are you sure’, I reply. It happened on a Monday morning, I remember. I was late for work.
‘Don’t lie to me,’ she shouts. She definitely has zero flow. I can see the energy around her flicker, but she doesn’t blink.
‘I’m sorry Lara. We love you.’
‘How can you be so calm? I’m telling you what you did, are you just okay with that?’
‘I am. It’s a fact. You deserve the truth. We’re sorry. Please know we still love you. You know why we did it.’
Lara sits down on her couch. I wish I could take her pain away. If she could only feel what we feel, she would feel no worry. If I could give her my positives, I would. I’d give her my life. But I can’t, and I need to think of my wife and other daughter.
‘It’s not fair. We know.’
‘You know nothing, you don’t feel emotion like I do dad. Do you even know what pain is?’
In front of me, I can see a bar with the definition of the word and 4 articles I can open to read about it. Not now, I think. The bar disappears again and instead I a crying 19-year-old. My crying 19-year-old.
’May I ask how you remembered this? You never mentioned it before.’
She throws a package at me. It’s filled with herbs. I know about them, I can see movie flashes of memories in front of me.
‘The magic trick they used before huh. I’ve never seen this in reality. It smells delicious.’
‘Try some. Maybe you start giving a shit again,’ Lara replies.
‘It’s not about giving a shit or not. I do give a shit. If only I could make you see.’
‘Yes, Wonderland, where everything is fantastic and I’m just a negative stuck in humanity’s millennium time.’
The things she says, the tone of her voice and the faces she makes, are very unfamiliar for me. I’ve seen training videos about them, and had lessons in 2000-psychology. I watched every movie from 2000 until 2200. Seeing this peculiar thing develop in front of you in an almost adult, feels like you’re looking at a child again. Even our positive children do experience the first childhood fears and every emotion Lara has been showing. Just not to this, extend, especially not after the age of 5. I almost feel like I should check on her diaper but she obviously doesn’t wear one anymore. She’s a teen. A unique one.
The doorbell rings. Lara disappears for a second, and then comes back with a young gentleman.
‘Meet my dad’, she says. ‘I’m glad you came. I just told him and it’s true.’
She told me about her boyfriend, but not how close they were. I recognise the emotion embarrassment and the negative outcomes the flow shows for it. I ignore it.
The guy lifts his hand to greet me. When his fingers touch mine, and when he looks me in the eye, I feel a shock go right through me. Like lightning, something I’ve felt many times before, but never with my own daughter.
‘Yes he’s positive, are you surprised?’ Lara says. ‘Of course you are. Because you can’t understand why anyone would want to be with me right?’
‘Come on Lara. Leave it. Nick, sir. Nice to meet you.’
We eat dinner together, something Lara has cooked. It’s lovely. I can see she’s trying to control her emotions. Nick being close to her seems to have an affect. I recognise the emotion jealousy, and whisk it away. I wish I could have calmed her down like that.
We’re civil all evening. When Lara says she’s going to get some ice cream at the store, Nick and I make eye-contact.
‘I hear what you think.’
‘Why talk if you don’t have to?’ I reply.
‘Because I like actually hearing my voice, it remembers me where we came from.’
‘You’ve never been there. Why do you care?’ I ask.
‘My twin brother was a deviant. I’m next phase though.’
‘You can’t be.’
‘1 in a billion in brown eyes. It’s not that unusual. Not that unique as your daughter.’
‘What does it feel like?’ I ask. I’ve only met a handful of negatives, but never a next phase. People are worried about them, because they want to change the society we built, again. They are radical. We know they’re supposed to be the future, but people don’t like change. The more are born, the more problematic it could be, if they start to be in relationships with negatives. Economics have predicted the worst, a downfall of our society. The scientists haven’t found a solution yet, and here is a next-one right in front of me. The waves are confused. They predict different paths that all seem the most logical one. One leads to me killing the boy for the survival of the human race as I know it. Murder, an option, that has never seemed logical to me before. The other path tells me he must love her, and who would deny their daughter love? A daughter that has gone through so much? I know I am inferior to Nick. I have no right to decide his destiny.
‘It’s pain,’ he says. ‘It’s actually feeling the flow, the stream you have all felt in the wrong way, with your logic.’
News articles tell me he’s right. I see a video of people fighting in the street.
‘If you could feel what I feel, you wouldn’t want to live with yourself.’
‘How do you know?’ I ask.
‘Because you would realise what you have done to Lara and all the other deviants.’
I’ve heard about the suicides. I know being introduced to the next phase can make people not born that way do such a thing. My brain tells me to run away. However, something inside of me though, it must be something Millenium, makes me want to ask him. I made an almost impossible child, maybe I can beat the odds again. And Nick, he can help me with that. Next phase is something completely different. I want to know.
I feel my head split open and the waves disappear. I can’t hear Nick’s voice anymore. I can feel his pulse, his breathe, I can see all the thoughts inside his head. Like blooming flowers made of light and stars they dance in front of me; inside me, through my veins, through my pores. They seem to devour me, spit me out, make me whole, never stop. Then, white. Everything is bright.
I run. Through the door, through the street. Just away, from everything. Everything except her. Light above and below and I cannot tell where I’m going. She’s more beautiful than anything else right now in this world. I need to find her. I need to tell her. She needs to forgive me. Where’s the store? Where do I go? I need to bring her home. A map in front of my eyes, showing me everything I need to know. Sounds of cars and the world in spinning. I need to tell people. It didn't affect me in the way it did the others. Where is she? I want to change this world. I need to tell her.
She needs to kn..
The car came and then everything stopped.
Record last message?
LARA, I NEED TO TELL YOU TH-