Thank you for those who've been supporting me, encouraging me, and have been there for me these last few months. The kind messages kept me going, as did therapy and medication and my closest friends and my family and especially my son. I love you all for your kindness, but the nasty and horrible messages are getting more insane and sick every day. I don't open my e-mail box anymore with curiosity or joy. When my phone goes off, I'm scared of seeing what's going to show up. I'm scared of the links people send me, to topics where I'm called a liar, where people claim the police dropped my case, where people say I'm a bad mother, a drug addict, a whore, a slut, a cunt, a bitch, a psychotic, a fame-whore, a.. whatnot.
I've told and shared the truth and that's all I ever tried to do. I've gone to the police, many times, and they are now handling everything (opposed to what people claim online). It has been a painfully slow process because mistakes by the police were made (for which they apologised), which has been draining me emotionally, and has made me feel like an empty shell for months.
I tried to be a good person and do the right thing and take responsibility by speaking out so I could warn others, because I was terrified someone else would have to go through the same thing. Because I was terrified someone I once trusted would spread lies and half-truths about me, because they told me they would, unless I stayed silent.
I hope you're warned and cautious. All I ever wanted was that it would stop with me, the manipulation, the abuse, the blackmail, the treating a person like a piece of meat, instead as a human being. I stood my ground since January, trying to share the truth, so you could find it.
But it has come with a cost. I've paid a price in order to protect myself, and for you to be warned. I've paid a price I never in my life imagined I would have to pay for simply loving someone. And I've been punished enough.
I can't fight a potential army of over 300.000 biased people.
It has been ruining my life, speaking out, and there are days when I wish I didn't make it to December 2016, because maybe then people would have believed me. Then my name maybe wouldn't have gotten dragged through the dirt, abused and raped, left for people to find online who just want to haunt me, taunt me, and break me. Then I wouldn't have left behind such a horrible mess. I was always proud of my name, because my parents gave it to me, and I always tried to honour it and not taint it.
Being raped and abused and threatened behind closed doors is one thing. Having your name publicly raped and abused by liars and malicious people, is another. Being told I should kill myself over and over, a person can only take so much.
I had a clean slate for 27 years, but that has been taken away from me. Just because I met the wrong person. Because I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and because I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to fight my abuser, and made impulsive choices out of fear, which made everything even worse for me.
I've seen the worst in people and complete strangers the last 12 months, and it hasn't given me much hope when it comes to justice or humanity at all.
I've set up a bunch of scheduled blog posts which I've been writing these last few months.
Thanks again for caring.
Be good, (and save the bees).
PS: If you want to know the truth, I've shared it below.
Exurb1a fans have been lovely. Just the highlight of this week.
The police-officer looks at me, and shakes his head softly.
"We don't know how it's possible this happened. I don't understand how our colleague you saw in January didn't do what he could have easily done that very day. I just talked to my colleagues about it. If this was taken up months ago, you could have started with truly digesting this, and give it closure."
Inside the System is a blog series about mental health, being hospitalised, and pretty much everything I've experienced these last few months. From naked patients crawling through the hallway, to having your medication dose raised 4 times in 6 weeks due to your ex boyfriend threatening you. From being publicly shamed online for speaking out and being called a liar, to what actually happened, and how and when I will press charges against my ex. So, a lot of mental vomit will be thrown on my blog upcoming weeks. The Inside The System series is part of Project Blue is a Wave.
The Inside the System blogs will be uploaded non-chronologically, but the actual time-line in which these events happened can be found here (and will be updated once new blogs follow).
Chronological order of events 2017-2016:
2017, May 28: Third Time's a Charm
2017, May 22: How to say No (Exurb1a)
2017, May 4: Shame (On You Exurb1a)
2017, April: The Lost Tower
2017, March 13: Wake Up
2017, March: The Green Light
2017, February 24: Including You
2017, January 16: So You Finally Did It
2017, January 16: It's Called Rape
2016, November 2: A Tent in November
2016, November 1: Visitors and Strangers
2016, October 29/30: Run